White Riots in Salt Lake City

In response to the recent police shooting that resulted in the death of 22 year old alleged car thief, Timmy Smith, thousands of white rioters hit the streets of Salt Lake City and proceeded to destroy their own community.

Timmy Smith was pulled over by Salt Lake County deputy Jamar Jackson on August 14th. During the stop, Smith attempted to flee and allegedly pointed a loaded rocket launcher at Jackson. Jackson is on record stating that he then shot at Smith in self-defense and killed Smith.

The rioters have been destroying the once tranquil and predominantly black city of Salt Lake City with reckless abandon. CNN was on location at the time of the riot catching footage of a BP gas station being burned to the ground along with several vehicles. Some rioters went to social media and broadcasted live as they rioted. On one live broadcast, the person filming can be heard screaming to the crowd as a black man drove past in his Subaru Outback to "Get him! He's black! Get him! He's black! Teamwork! Teamwork!" The crowd of angry white people then attacked the man's vehicle with rocks and debris until he managed to escape by accelerating through the angry mob.

The local city alderman, Bill Harris, made a statement at a press conference in response to the riots:

"We need to understand where this anger comes from. Hundreds of white men are being killed by police in our city every day. White men are being systematically oppressed and the people have a legitimate complaint. We need to ban the police in white communities until the police have the interests of white people at heart. Abolish the police, y'all"

The comments caused a lot of opponents to speak out against Harris. Fox News contributor Tyrone Jones spoke out against Alderman Harris on Monday.

"His position that white men are systematically being oppressed and hunted by law enforcement doesn't add up! The statistics don't support the claim. To go into your own neighborhood and destroy it when you don't even know the full facts of the situation that's causing the riots is just mass stupidity. I'm really beginning to wonder about white people's place in civil western society." Jones said.

Jones was immediately dismissed from his position with Fox as his comments were condemned as racist. The National Guard has been called into Salt Lake City to quell the situation as it develops.

Lost Hillary Email Found In Philadelphia Boy's Spam Box!

14 year old Trevor Bennett was just logging in to his gmail account one day after school and he decided to check his spam box to see if anything important had slipped through. Among the usual offers for World of Warcraft training programs and Nigerian identity scams, he saw something interesting. The email was entitled: "Operation Golden Hair". Further investigation of the email showed that it was in fact an email from the bathroom server of Hillary Clinton that had somehow ended up in his spam box.

"It was amazing, bro! I was just gonna check my spam box because sometimes something that's not spam gets lost in there and I found this shit! It's was amazing, bro!"

The email was a strategic blueprint to destroying Bernie Sanders' chance at presidency by rigging the election against him as well as a detailed attack plan on Trump by means of colluding with news reporters and journalists to paint Trump as a racist.

"Fuck Bernie. He's a thorn in my campaign donor's asses. I have an election to win and I won't let some shifty atheist Jew steal my thunder. As for Trump, just tell the reporters to keep calling him racist and make fun of his hands. Has anyone seen where I left the nuclear launch codes? Send them through my twitter if you find them. . Anywho...the conjuring and seance is at 3am tonight. Bring your own virgin for sacrifice" (Email Excerpt)

The email went into stark detail about the Democratic party's plan for the election. Some have been vocal that Hillary must be held accountable for her crimes and tried in a court of law while others are too distracted by race, gender and hating cis white men like Donald Trump in order to form an opinion about Hillary. When reached for comment, Trevor Bennett's parents advised us that he had committed suicide by shooting himself in the face 5 times.