Now Playing! Weekend at Hillary's 2!

Now playing at a campaign stop near you! It's Weekend at Hillary's 2! Join Hillary in her mad cap antics as she goes from city to city fleeing a voodoo spell from New Orleans! She got loose from her handlers and now no one knows where she'll be next! The only cure for the voodoo spell is her $5,000 epi-pen. Will she get it in time?!? This is the feel-good show of the season so tell your friends! Weekend at Hillary's 2! Now Playing!

Meet Robbie The 'Robo-Dog'

35 year-old Sheryl Daniels of Fortuna California is the proud human mother of Robbie 'The Robo-Dog'. Sheryl found Robbie one day being abused by a terrible child. Sheryl says the dog was inhumanely being used in a sadistic game of fetch outside of the child's home.

"He was just throwing a stick and Robbie would mindlessly go fetch it for the child's own amusement. The cruelty was unspeakable! I saved Robbie from his terrible captor and now he lives with me in a nice, safe, eco-friendly tiny home that's 100 sq ft. because I'm not a terrible human like everyone else using up all the world's resources."

Seeing that Robbie was exhausted from the cruel game of fetch, she knew she had to do something else to alleviate her new fur-baby's pain and suffering.

"I was on Instagram and saw that someone had saved a turtle by gluing some Lego wheels on it so it could become mobile once again and a number of other stories about animals being saved with prosthetics. Not to be outdone, I came up with the genius idea of replacing Robbie's body with a robotic one that I fashioned from coffee cans and bongs. Now Robbie is the cutest, happiest little bionic dog in the world and no one can question my superior morality and compassion. Oh my God, did I mention how much I hate humans?", Sheryl said.

Robbie doesn't seem to mind his new body much. He's very active throughout the day and can be easily recharged with Sheryl's iPad charger. PETA and other animal groups are celebrating Sheryl's heroic deed by giving her an honorary place in their Animal Savior Hall of Fame in San Francisco.

Woman Shatters Car Window To Save Pumpkin Spice Latte

     Boston housewife, Victoria Maples, is making headlines from her heroic action this past week. The 42 year old was coming out of the PetSmart location at Alewife Brook Pkwy in the city of Cambridge with her Rat Terrier (Who she would like you to know was a rescue dog, by the way) when she noticed a despicable member of society had irresponsibly left an innocent Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks unattended inside of their 2001 Honda Civic with the windows rolled up in 72 degree weather.

The quick thinking heroine immediately knew what to do;

"When I saw the latte sitting there with no fresh air, I couldn't believe someone would be so evil and cold-hearted that they would leave the latte with no means of comfort. I knew I had to do something. At first I looked for a brave man to assist me in freeing the trapped latte but no one seemed to see the severity of the situation or cared to help. I had to take action on my own. I picked up the biggest rock I could find and smashed the window to pieces. Luckily the latte was still fresh and was not harmed. I called the police and fire department and they showed up to assist me in the rescue."

The latte was a little shook up from the ordeal but was still deemed to be consumable. Maples is being heralded as a hero by women all over the country. News stations are officially declaring September 11th Victoria Maples Day in honor of her brave actions. The owner of the Civic was located and is currently facing 20 years to life for their incomprehensible actions.

Colin Kaepernick Refuses To Stand For National Anthem Until It Is Replaced With N.W.A.'s "Fuck The Police"

     NFL quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, made waves in the media recently when he refused to stand for the National Anthem during a pregame ceremony. When asked what his motives were, he stated that the National Anthem itself was rooted in a blind allegiance to the police and that many of the lyrics of the song were racist toward biracial, millionaire, NFL quarterbacks that look presumably Middle-Eastern.

"Just listen to the song lyrics. It says it all. I know it was written in a time when slavery and oppression of biracial millionaire football players ran rampant throughout the United States and we're fooling ourselves as a country if we think we've moved past that point in history. Just the other day my white coach made me run drills and practice without saying please. This oppression is real and anyone that says it isn't, hasn't walked a day in my Gucci loafers. The final straw for me came when my fellow biracial millionaire quarterback, Russell Wilson, was spoken to rudely on Twitter by a white police officer. With that, I demand that we hereby get rid of the National Anthem and replace it with the gangster rap classic by N.W.A., "Fuck The Police". I won't rest until every American is singing the hardcore rap song in every stadium in America. Seriously yo, I'm fuckin' pissed bruh."

Critics of Kaepernick have been very vocal. Conservative pundit, author, filmmaker and radio host, Larry Elder, spoke out against Kaepernick's position on his daily talk radio show.

"Kaepernick is being absolutely ridiculous. The statistics clearly show that white quarterbacks are spoken to rudely on Twitter by police in numbers far greater than that of biracial ones. Even though they make up a greater percentage of NFL quarterbacks than biracial ones that are seemingly Middle-Eastern looking, that statistic is negated by the fact that biracial, seemingly Middle-Eastern quarterbacks are 1000% more likely to be assholes online, thus justifying the police on Twitter's actions."

Princeton professor, Cornel West, shot back at Elder stating:

"Larry Elder is a coon and a mark ass buster. For a dark-skinned black man from South Central Los Angeles to question the oppression and hardships of biracial, multimillionaire, seemingly Middle-Eastern, NFL quarterbacks only shows that he has no understanding of the struggles and hardships they endure. Larry Elder doesn't know a damn thing about being talked to rudely on Twitter. I bet he's never even been to the Super Bowl. The audacity!"

The NFL's public relations department made a statement on Wednesday saying that Kaepernick has every constitutional right to refuse to stand for the National Anthem but they have yet to make a decision on whether or not to honor Kaepernick's request to replace the National Anthem with Fuck The Police.