Enhanced Interrogation Techniques Return To Gitmo

    With the terror threats rising in the world, the Trump administration has decided to return to Bush era methods of gathering valuable intelligence from prisoners at Guantanamo Bay Prison that have ties to terrorism. While the practice of waterboarding has been collectively shunned by the liberal community and international governmental bodies, Trump has devised a way around the public concern for humane treatment of war prisoners. 

Instead of using waterboarding, the new accepted method of torture has been designated as severe tickling. The practice itself is quite effective and everyone gets a laugh out of it. Terror suspects are strapped to a chair and tickled with various objects until the valuable intel possibly leading to the defeat of targeted terror cells is gathered. The vibe at Gitmo is one of change and optimism with the coming of the new method.

In a video recorded session of severe tickling posted on Youtube, terror suspect, Yuukin slobmuhknobbi, can be seen succumbing to the torture. He is seen strapped to a table being tickled on his neck with a feather duster screaming for mercy.

"Hahaha! No! No no no! Seriously! Hahahaha! Ow! Ha ha! Oh my God! Ha ha ha ha! Ok, I'll take you to the leader of ISIS! Hahaha! Just stop! Arrggghhh! Ha ha ha ha! Mommy!!!

Yuukin slobmuhknobbi during severe tickling

Many on the left still have reservations about the ethics of the practice and some have even created opposition groups citing that they remember being tickled endlessly by their siblings and how unpleasant the experience became after a few seconds.

President Trump has denied any media requests for a response to those opposed with severe tickling opting to instead release a tweet stating: "Dorks, meet me at the flag pole after school."

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Meet Robbie The 'Robo-Dog'

35 year-old Sheryl Daniels of Fortuna California is the proud human mother of Robbie 'The Robo-Dog'. Sheryl found Robbie one day being abused by a terrible child. Sheryl says the dog was inhumanely being used in a sadistic game of fetch outside of the child's home.

"He was just throwing a stick and Robbie would mindlessly go fetch it for the child's own amusement. The cruelty was unspeakable! I saved Robbie from his terrible captor and now he lives with me in a nice, safe, eco-friendly tiny home that's 100 sq ft. because I'm not a terrible human like everyone else using up all the world's resources."

Seeing that Robbie was exhausted from the cruel game of fetch, she knew she had to do something else to alleviate her new fur-baby's pain and suffering.

"I was on Instagram and saw that someone had saved a turtle by gluing some Lego wheels on it so it could become mobile once again and a number of other stories about animals being saved with prosthetics. Not to be outdone, I came up with the genius idea of replacing Robbie's body with a robotic one that I fashioned from coffee cans and bongs. Now Robbie is the cutest, happiest little bionic dog in the world and no one can question my superior morality and compassion. Oh my God, did I mention how much I hate humans?", Sheryl said.

Robbie doesn't seem to mind his new body much. He's very active throughout the day and can be easily recharged with Sheryl's iPad charger. PETA and other animal groups are celebrating Sheryl's heroic deed by giving her an honorary place in their Animal Savior Hall of Fame in San Francisco.

Woman Shatters Car Window To Save Pumpkin Spice Latte

     Boston housewife, Victoria Maples, is making headlines from her heroic action this past week. The 42 year old was coming out of the PetSmart location at Alewife Brook Pkwy in the city of Cambridge with her Rat Terrier (Who she would like you to know was a rescue dog, by the way) when she noticed a despicable member of society had irresponsibly left an innocent Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks unattended inside of their 2001 Honda Civic with the windows rolled up in 72 degree weather.

The quick thinking heroine immediately knew what to do;

"When I saw the latte sitting there with no fresh air, I couldn't believe someone would be so evil and cold-hearted that they would leave the latte with no means of comfort. I knew I had to do something. At first I looked for a brave man to assist me in freeing the trapped latte but no one seemed to see the severity of the situation or cared to help. I had to take action on my own. I picked up the biggest rock I could find and smashed the window to pieces. Luckily the latte was still fresh and was not harmed. I called the police and fire department and they showed up to assist me in the rescue."

The latte was a little shook up from the ordeal but was still deemed to be consumable. Maples is being heralded as a hero by women all over the country. News stations are officially declaring September 11th Victoria Maples Day in honor of her brave actions. The owner of the Civic was located and is currently facing 20 years to life for their incomprehensible actions.

Colin Kaepernick Refuses To Stand For National Anthem Until It Is Replaced With N.W.A.'s "Fuck The Police"

     NFL quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, made waves in the media recently when he refused to stand for the National Anthem during a pregame ceremony. When asked what his motives were, he stated that the National Anthem itself was rooted in a blind allegiance to the police and that many of the lyrics of the song were racist toward biracial, millionaire, NFL quarterbacks that look presumably Middle-Eastern.

"Just listen to the song lyrics. It says it all. I know it was written in a time when slavery and oppression of biracial millionaire football players ran rampant throughout the United States and we're fooling ourselves as a country if we think we've moved past that point in history. Just the other day my white coach made me run drills and practice without saying please. This oppression is real and anyone that says it isn't, hasn't walked a day in my Gucci loafers. The final straw for me came when my fellow biracial millionaire quarterback, Russell Wilson, was spoken to rudely on Twitter by a white police officer. With that, I demand that we hereby get rid of the National Anthem and replace it with the gangster rap classic by N.W.A., "Fuck The Police". I won't rest until every American is singing the hardcore rap song in every stadium in America. Seriously yo, I'm fuckin' pissed bruh."

Critics of Kaepernick have been very vocal. Conservative pundit, author, filmmaker and radio host, Larry Elder, spoke out against Kaepernick's position on his daily talk radio show.

"Kaepernick is being absolutely ridiculous. The statistics clearly show that white quarterbacks are spoken to rudely on Twitter by police in numbers far greater than that of biracial ones. Even though they make up a greater percentage of NFL quarterbacks than biracial ones that are seemingly Middle-Eastern looking, that statistic is negated by the fact that biracial, seemingly Middle-Eastern quarterbacks are 1000% more likely to be assholes online, thus justifying the police on Twitter's actions."

Princeton professor, Cornel West, shot back at Elder stating:

"Larry Elder is a coon and a mark ass buster. For a dark-skinned black man from South Central Los Angeles to question the oppression and hardships of biracial, multimillionaire, seemingly Middle-Eastern, NFL quarterbacks only shows that he has no understanding of the struggles and hardships they endure. Larry Elder doesn't know a damn thing about being talked to rudely on Twitter. I bet he's never even been to the Super Bowl. The audacity!"

The NFL's public relations department made a statement on Wednesday saying that Kaepernick has every constitutional right to refuse to stand for the National Anthem but they have yet to make a decision on whether or not to honor Kaepernick's request to replace the National Anthem with Fuck The Police.

White Riots in Salt Lake City

In response to the recent police shooting that resulted in the death of 22 year old alleged car thief, Timmy Smith, thousands of white rioters hit the streets of Salt Lake City and proceeded to destroy their own community.

Timmy Smith was pulled over by Salt Lake County deputy Jamar Jackson on August 14th. During the stop, Smith attempted to flee and allegedly pointed a loaded rocket launcher at Jackson. Jackson is on record stating that he then shot at Smith in self-defense and killed Smith.

The rioters have been destroying the once tranquil and predominantly black city of Salt Lake City with reckless abandon. CNN was on location at the time of the riot catching footage of a BP gas station being burned to the ground along with several vehicles. Some rioters went to social media and broadcasted live as they rioted. On one live broadcast, the person filming can be heard screaming to the crowd as a black man drove past in his Subaru Outback to "Get him! He's black! Get him! He's black! Teamwork! Teamwork!" The crowd of angry white people then attacked the man's vehicle with rocks and debris until he managed to escape by accelerating through the angry mob.

The local city alderman, Bill Harris, made a statement at a press conference in response to the riots:

"We need to understand where this anger comes from. Hundreds of white men are being killed by police in our city every day. White men are being systematically oppressed and the people have a legitimate complaint. We need to ban the police in white communities until the police have the interests of white people at heart. Abolish the police, y'all"

The comments caused a lot of opponents to speak out against Harris. Fox News contributor Tyrone Jones spoke out against Alderman Harris on Monday.

"His position that white men are systematically being oppressed and hunted by law enforcement doesn't add up! The statistics don't support the claim. To go into your own neighborhood and destroy it when you don't even know the full facts of the situation that's causing the riots is just mass stupidity. I'm really beginning to wonder about white people's place in civil western society." Jones said.

Jones was immediately dismissed from his position with Fox as his comments were condemned as racist. The National Guard has been called into Salt Lake City to quell the situation as it develops.