White Riots in Salt Lake City

In response to the recent police shooting that resulted in the death of 22 year old alleged car thief, Timmy Smith, thousands of white rioters hit the streets of Salt Lake City and proceeded to destroy their own community.

Timmy Smith was pulled over by Salt Lake County deputy Jamar Jackson on August 14th. During the stop, Smith attempted to flee and allegedly pointed a loaded rocket launcher at Jackson. Jackson is on record stating that he then shot at Smith in self-defense and killed Smith.

The rioters have been destroying the once tranquil and predominantly black city of Salt Lake City with reckless abandon. CNN was on location at the time of the riot catching footage of a BP gas station being burned to the ground along with several vehicles. Some rioters went to social media and broadcasted live as they rioted. On one live broadcast, the person filming can be heard screaming to the crowd as a black man drove past in his Subaru Outback to "Get him! He's black! Get him! He's black! Teamwork! Teamwork!" The crowd of angry white people then attacked the man's vehicle with rocks and debris until he managed to escape by accelerating through the angry mob.

The local city alderman, Bill Harris, made a statement at a press conference in response to the riots:

"We need to understand where this anger comes from. Hundreds of white men are being killed by police in our city every day. White men are being systematically oppressed and the people have a legitimate complaint. We need to ban the police in white communities until the police have the interests of white people at heart. Abolish the police, y'all"

The comments caused a lot of opponents to speak out against Harris. Fox News contributor Tyrone Jones spoke out against Alderman Harris on Monday.

"His position that white men are systematically being oppressed and hunted by law enforcement doesn't add up! The statistics don't support the claim. To go into your own neighborhood and destroy it when you don't even know the full facts of the situation that's causing the riots is just mass stupidity. I'm really beginning to wonder about white people's place in civil western society." Jones said.

Jones was immediately dismissed from his position with Fox as his comments were condemned as racist. The National Guard has been called into Salt Lake City to quell the situation as it develops.

Lost Hillary Email Found In Philadelphia Boy's Spam Box!

14 year old Trevor Bennett was just logging in to his gmail account one day after school and he decided to check his spam box to see if anything important had slipped through. Among the usual offers for World of Warcraft training programs and Nigerian identity scams, he saw something interesting. The email was entitled: "Operation Golden Hair". Further investigation of the email showed that it was in fact an email from the bathroom server of Hillary Clinton that had somehow ended up in his spam box.

"It was amazing, bro! I was just gonna check my spam box because sometimes something that's not spam gets lost in there and I found this shit! It's was amazing, bro!"

The email was a strategic blueprint to destroying Bernie Sanders' chance at presidency by rigging the election against him as well as a detailed attack plan on Trump by means of colluding with news reporters and journalists to paint Trump as a racist.

"Fuck Bernie. He's a thorn in my campaign donor's asses. I have an election to win and I won't let some shifty atheist Jew steal my thunder. As for Trump, just tell the reporters to keep calling him racist and make fun of his hands. Has anyone seen where I left the nuclear launch codes? Send them through my twitter if you find them. . Anywho...the conjuring and seance is at 3am tonight. Bring your own virgin for sacrifice" (Email Excerpt)

The email went into stark detail about the Democratic party's plan for the election. Some have been vocal that Hillary must be held accountable for her crimes and tried in a court of law while others are too distracted by race, gender and hating cis white men like Donald Trump in order to form an opinion about Hillary. When reached for comment, Trevor Bennett's parents advised us that he had committed suicide by shooting himself in the face 5 times.

Donald Trump Ineligible To Be President! Born in Kenya!

New reports are beginning to surface concerning Donald Trump's eligibility to be president. Cockgawker.com has reported that Donald Trump's maternal grandmother in Nairobi, Kenya states that Trump was actually born in Kenya. This new revelation can have huge implications on Trump's presidency. 

Anyone not born on United States soil is immediately disqualified from being the president. The original notion that Trump is a true-blue New Yorker is now in question. Further reports have stated that Donald Trump was mentored by the infamous communist, Frank Marshall Davis while a young man in Hawaii. This is troubling for many Americans that are concerned about the influence a die-hard communist may have had on the leader of our capitalist nation.

Cockgawker.com's report is damning for Trump, to say the least. Trump's childhood is a mystery wrapped in an enigma that's lost in a farce, twisted in a conundrum that has been disguised as Americana and hidden somewhere under the couch mattress in the lobby of the Tulsa Ramada Inn. Some have even been so racist as to speculate that because he went to a Muslim school in Indonesia, he may have some Muslim sympathies.

Trump has replied to the allegations stating, "Uuhhh...this is a waste of our time. Uuuhhh...Pure silliness in a world that requires seriousness at a time like this. We have Christian radicals, uuuhhh...that are uuuhhh spreading throughout the uuuhhh Middle-East, Asia, Europe, Africa and America and uuuhhh....they want to talk about this?" Trump said from behind the comfort of a teleprompter.

New York billionaire, Hillary Clinton, has demanded that Trump go public with his birth-certificate. She spoke with the press from her Harlem apartment for a brief moment on Friday;

"Where is the birth-certificate? I don't think it's wise to elect a man that hasn't been fully vetted as an American citizen. What do we really know about Donald Trump? It's like he came out of nowhere. Who is this man? Clinton said.

Questions regarding Trump's time at college are also coming to the surface. When asked if Trump would be willing to release his college transcripts, he adamantly denied the request and quickly diverted the media's attention to him dancing on the Ellen Degenerate show. 

Muslim Men Treated To Surprise Dominatrix Show

Two western culture females showed their gratitude for the presence of Islam in France by greeting a room full of Muslim men to a free BDSM show. The two saucy young tarts hopped onstage and immediately went into their impromptu traditional French expression of dominatrix entertainment.
The Middle-Eastern Muslim men seemed to be a bit confused by the dominatrix show at first.

We spoke to one of the men in the audience by the name of, Beesh Az Mooda Fooka, a native of Iran. Mr. Mooda Fooka took offense to the BDSM show stating that his Muslim sensibilities were offended.

"This is outlandish! Never in my beautiful country of Iran would women ever assume a dominant sexual role! Those roles are only to be taken by goats and 11 year-old boys! Let these evil French women find themselves in their error and turn to Allah or be executed! Inshallah! Lalalalalal!!!!!! Womma lomma ding-dong!!!!"

The Muslim men quickly got wise to what they were witnessing and quickly decided to get in on the show in a more interactive way. Dozens of men from the audience marched up to the stage and began to return the sadism by driving the women into the ground and stomping the living fuck out of them.

"I don't think they fully understand the role of the dominant feminist in western culture and how they're just supposed to give us their balls." Said Sally Dumcunt of Marseilles. "They weren't supposed to reverse it on us. I bet these provincial morons don't even like to be humiliated and emasculated by women." Dumcunt continued.

All in all, the BDSM show made for great theater and a lesson in cultural differences. The women who are a part of the BDSM Collective named, 'FEMEN', made clear that they look forward to more shows for Muslim men but also hope that they learn the ways of their western, male counterparts and just let them play like they're powerful once in a while.

Satan Considering New Ideology To Destroy Humanity

In response to the growing numbers of members of the LGBT community and liberals becoming aware of the intolerant and murderous political nature of Islam, Satan is now considering new political ideologies that will successfully complete his goals of human enslavement.

Illegal Satire sat down with Satan in his condo outside of Washington D.C. to hear more from the great deceiver himself. 

IS: So Satan, we hear that you've been thinking of a new way to enslave humanity. Please tell us more.

Satan: Well, you know, it's been a rough few thousand years for me. I've been trying to find different political ideologies that come off as being morally righteous in order to deceive all of humanity into total enslavement but God always seems to find a way to show my cards to the world. 

IS: Wow! Very interesting. It seems most people are unaware of your plight.

Satan: Yeah, they don't really know me. I've tried a lot of different things in the past that were promising to begin with but it just doesn't seem like I can get a break. I tried to stifle human advancement with communism but that damn America with its Christian foundation didn't let me do it on a global level. I still have a few countries that subscribe to that old goodie but the ideology itself doesn't seem to stick once people find out it leads to mass murder, industrial stagnation and poverty. 

IS: Yeah, communism was definitely a good attempt on your part. 

Satan: Oh, thank you! That means so much to me. Maybe they'll let me slip the tip in with socialism sometime soon. A guy can dream, right? 

IS: Ha! Right? So what's going on with Islam?

Satan: Well...it seems to be losing its ground. I had a lot of liberals on my side at first when I got them to equate Islam with race. You should see them in the streets decrying how racist every other religion in the world is because they don't want to be subjugated to Sharia law. It's hilarious! Oh Me, they're so fucking stupid! But I digress. Truth is, Islam isn't a religion at all. It's another one of my political ideologies disguised as a religion so that it may be protected under the guise of tolerance and salvation. 

IS: Damn...that's pretty crafty.

Satan: Ha! I know, God sent Jesus down here and he even told them that there would be other prophets to come after him claiming to be the Messiah and the original Muslims forgot and actually followed Muhammad into total enslavement. It was awesome! I'm very proud of myself for creating Islam.

IS: Hmm...so what's the end goal here?

Satan: You have to understand that I hate God's plan for humanity. He actually made these inferior beings more powerful than myself and my fellow angels. What nerve! He wants to see them become technologically advanced and transcend into other realms of consciousness. I think that's total bullshit! These plebs should be worshiping me! My end goal is to ultimately have humans serve me either by them serving themselves or worshiping the state as their savior. Either way, they're worshiping me and don't even know it. 

IS: What other political ideologies are you responsible for?

Satan: Pretty much every single one except for the one put forth by the founders of America. Those assholes made it so people had freedom to pursue individual endeavors and they've managed to get so far as peering into other galaxies with space probes, advancing medicine more than any other nation on Earth, they've propped up failing nations and liberated them from my grips, and they allow every religion to spread throughout their country because of their Christian based tolerance . That last part was the weak point I've been aiming for. They're so tolerant of religion that I've had to use Islam as a Trojan horse to destroy God's people. My next move is globalism. My liberal followers have swallowed the pill of globalism under the chant of, "No human is illegal!". It's great. It's starting to pick up speed in America. The liberals actually believe it's righteous to let people of other nations come into their country with absolutely no intentions of assimilating but to rather live off of legal citizen's tax dollars. Whatever I have to do to stop the people of America and Israel, I'll do it, bro. I've been trying to make strides by taking their free speech and guns, among other things. 

IS: Is this what you're doing in Europe, too?

Satan: Yup! Those people have been fighting back the encroachment of Islam for 1,400 years and it's finally starting to take hold because of globalism. Damn, I'm pretty good, right?

IS: Aren't you concerned about God's word that has stated that you will lose in the end?

Satan: Meh...that may be true but in the meantime I'll take as many souls as I can get.

Lone Gun Kills 50 In Nightclub Massacre

     50 people were brutally killed Saturday night when a lone gun walked itself into Pulse nightclub in Orlando Florida and proceeded to massacre innocent party-goers. Ultimately becoming bored with the fracas, the lone gun then decided to turn on itself and shoot itself in the barrel, thus ending the parade of violence. Survivors of the massacre stated that the gun was screaming, "Madafie Kabira!", which translates into, "Guns are great!" in Arabic. 

When conservative guest Morky Mork on 'The Joe Schmoe Show' on MSNBC speculated on whether or not this was an act of religious terrorism in the name of Gunslam (a religion of peace), the other guests immediately pointed out the blatant intolerance and ignorance in Morky Mork's comments and he was immediately blacklisted from any cool parties with Sean Penn and Cher. 

President Obama made a statement at a later press conference from his vacation home in Mecca stating, "Morky Mork's comments are not who we are as Americans! We stand for tolerance and we will not stand for any Gunslamophobia!"

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump made a statement of his own suggesting that all guns should be inspected before entering the United States to make sure that they have not been radicalized by Gunslam (a religion of peace). Trump's remarks created a wildfire of controversy among young liberals who have accused Trump of racism for his remarks. Trump fired back at the liberals on Twitter by tweeting, "Deez nuts, muthafuckazzz! Gonna make America great again! Come at me, bro!"

Radical, racist, redneck, republicans later chimed in on the conversation via various social media outlets suggesting that perhaps there was a human behind the attack. Their absurd claims were of course summarily deleted by Hillary Clinton and Mark Zuckerberg's crack team of deletion specialists and SWAT teams were dispatched to their homes where several family pets were killed. 

The story is still developing.