In response to the growing numbers of members of the LGBT community and liberals becoming aware of the intolerant and murderous political nature of Islam, Satan is now considering new political ideologies that will successfully complete his goals of human enslavement.
Illegal Satire sat down with Satan in his condo outside of Washington D.C. to hear more from the great deceiver himself.
IS: So Satan, we hear that you've been thinking of a new way to enslave humanity. Please tell us more.
Satan: Well, you know, it's been a rough few thousand years for me. I've been trying to find different political ideologies that come off as being morally righteous in order to deceive all of humanity into total enslavement but God always seems to find a way to show my cards to the world.
IS: Wow! Very interesting. It seems most people are unaware of your plight.
Satan: Yeah, they don't really know me. I've tried a lot of different things in the past that were promising to begin with but it just doesn't seem like I can get a break. I tried to stifle human advancement with communism but that damn America with its Christian foundation didn't let me do it on a global level. I still have a few countries that subscribe to that old goodie but the ideology itself doesn't seem to stick once people find out it leads to mass murder, industrial stagnation and poverty.
IS: Yeah, communism was definitely a good attempt on your part.
Satan: Oh, thank you! That means so much to me. Maybe they'll let me slip the tip in with socialism sometime soon. A guy can dream, right?
IS: Ha! Right? So what's going on with Islam?
Satan: Well...it seems to be losing its ground. I had a lot of liberals on my side at first when I got them to equate Islam with race. You should see them in the streets decrying how racist every other religion in the world is because they don't want to be subjugated to Sharia law. It's hilarious! Oh Me, they're so fucking stupid! But I digress. Truth is, Islam isn't a religion at all. It's another one of my political ideologies disguised as a religion so that it may be protected under the guise of tolerance and salvation.
IS: Damn...that's pretty crafty.
Satan: Ha! I know, God sent Jesus down here and he even told them that there would be other prophets to come after him claiming to be the Messiah and the original Muslims forgot and actually followed Muhammad into total enslavement. It was awesome! I'm very proud of myself for creating Islam.
IS: Hmm...so what's the end goal here?
Satan: You have to understand that I hate God's plan for humanity. He actually made these inferior beings more powerful than myself and my fellow angels. What nerve! He wants to see them become technologically advanced and transcend into other realms of consciousness. I think that's total bullshit! These plebs should be worshiping me! My end goal is to ultimately have humans serve me either by them serving themselves or worshiping the state as their savior. Either way, they're worshiping me and don't even know it.
IS: What other political ideologies are you responsible for?
Satan: Pretty much every single one except for the one put forth by the founders of America. Those assholes made it so people had freedom to pursue individual endeavors and they've managed to get so far as peering into other galaxies with space probes, advancing medicine more than any other nation on Earth, they've propped up failing nations and liberated them from my grips, and they allow every religion to spread throughout their country because of their Christian based tolerance . That last part was the weak point I've been aiming for. They're so tolerant of religion that I've had to use Islam as a Trojan horse to destroy God's people. My next move is globalism. My liberal followers have swallowed the pill of globalism under the chant of, "No human is illegal!". It's great. It's starting to pick up speed in America. The liberals actually believe it's righteous to let people of other nations come into their country with absolutely no intentions of assimilating but to rather live off of legal citizen's tax dollars. Whatever I have to do to stop the people of America and Israel, I'll do it, bro. I've been trying to make strides by taking their free speech and guns, among other things.
IS: Is this what you're doing in Europe, too?
Satan: Yup! Those people have been fighting back the encroachment of Islam for 1,400 years and it's finally starting to take hold because of globalism. Damn, I'm pretty good, right?
IS: Aren't you concerned about God's word that has stated that you will lose in the end?
Satan: Meh...that may be true but in the meantime I'll take as many souls as I can get.
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