IE Motors Announces Production Plan for the Shasta 530 Electric/Solar SUV

IE Motors Announces Production Plan for the Shasta 530 Electric/Solar SUV [Las Vegas,NV], [5/21/23] - IE Motors, a leading electric vehicle manufacturer, has officially announced its production plan for the highly anticipated Shasta 530 electric/solar Sport Utility Vehicle (SUV). Set to go into production in Summer 2024, the Shasta 530 aims to revolutionize the electric vehicle market with its cutting-edge features and innovative design. The Shasta 530 is a fully electric SUV that incorporates a unique supplemental solar feature. This feature ensures that drivers are never stranded without enough charge to reach the nearest power station for a full charge. The solar panels harness the power of the sun to charge a supplemental power source, providing an additional boost to the vehicle's battery and extending its range. One of the standout features of the Shasta 530 is its revolutionary airless wheels. Manufactured using a proprietary urethane material, these wheels are designed to never go flat, eliminating the inconvenience and hassle of tire punctures. The molecular structure of the urethane enables the vehicle to drift at a respectable speed for a distance of 6 miles after the accelerator is released, enhancing the driving experience and adding a touch of excitement to the SUV. IE Motors is also planning to unveil more features of the Shasta 530 at a later date, promising to deliver a comprehensive and innovative electric vehicle package to consumers. These features are expected to further enhance the vehicle's performance, safety, and comfort, solidifying its position as a game-changer in the market. "We are thrilled to announce the production plan for the Shasta 530 electric/solar SUV," said Nathaniel Haselton, the CEO of IE Motors. "This vehicle represents a significant step forward in electric vehicle technology, combining sustainable energy from solar power with cutting-edge design and features. We believe the Shasta 530 will set new benchmarks in the industry and offer customers a truly remarkable driving experience." IE Motors is dedicated to promoting sustainable mobility solutions and is committed to reducing carbon emissions through the development and production of electric vehicles. The Shasta 530 is a testament to the company's commitment to innovation and its mission to drive the transition to a greener future. The Shasta 530 electric/solar SUV is scheduled to begin production in Summer 2024, with further details regarding pricing, availability, and additional features expected to be announced in the coming months. Car enthusiasts and eco-conscious consumers alike eagerly await the opportunity to experience this groundbreaking electric vehicle firsthand. About IE Motors: IE Motors is a renowned electric vehicle manufacturer committed to pushing the boundaries of sustainable transportation. With a focus on innovative design, cutting-edge technology, and a commitment to environmental stewardship, IE Motors aims to redefine the driving experience while reducing the carbon footprint.

Leonard Cohen -The Future

North Korean Communist Dictator Kim Jong Un Relinquishes Nuclear Warheads in US Nuclear Warhead Buyback Program

The incomparable and Infallible Democrat Geniuses in Washington recently devised a solution to  disarm the provocative Communist leader of North Korea, Kim Jon UN of his weapons of mass destruction as he has been threatening The United State's West Coast and the world with certain annihilation for some time  By  opening up his trench coat to reveal his impressive  nuclear warhead and daring the world to touch it

Surprisingly, the recently devised Nuclear Warhead buyback program has proved successful in disarming UN. The allure of a $1,00,000.00 USD bounty for any dictator that relinquishes their Weapons of mass destruction was just too much for the cash-strapped Dictator to resist.
Upon reading about the program advertised in The Washington Post, UN immediately contacted the Pentagon to schedule a meet-up  in the parking lot of of the White Castle Restaurant at 8 Mile Road and Gratiot Avenue in Detroit, MI.

Washington quickly moved into action by sending one of their finest federal ambassadors/private agents adorned in a Nike Jogging suit, Ray Ban Aviator sunglasses, white Reebok Classic tennis shoes and a black dufflebag filled with $1,00,000.00 in small bills as UN had specifically requested.
Witnesses of the clandestine transaction report that UN was seen carelessly gallivanting out of the White Castle after satisfying his seemingly insatiable hunger with 7 slider burgers, some curly fries and a  large Sprite. A brief conversation was reported to have transpired  between the  Federal agent and UN  until UN led the agent over to his 2005 KIA Sephia where he then popped the trunk and handed a stainless steel briefcase containing the nuclear weapon over to the agent in exchange for the black dufflebag full of cold hard US cash.
Upon hearing the news of the successful transaction, California Governor Gavin Newsome immediately appeared on MSNBC to declare that "World Peace has been achieved."

Is The Home Depot Kidnapping Story Fake News?

Recently one of my family members on Facebook shared a picture of a letter from the Oregon unemployment office denying the request for unemployment compensation for a former Home Depot employee by the name of Dillon Reagan. The stated reason for the denial of the request for unemployment compensation was due to Reagan being fired, and therefore ineligible for compensation. The rejection letter explicitly stated that he was fired for trying to thwart a kidnapping, which to any decent person would seem like a ridiculous and callous reason to fire anyone. This made my fake news senses tingle so I investigated further.

Leftists have been calling for a boycott of Home Depot for Pro-Trump remarks made by the founders of the company. Both founders Ken Langone and Bernard Marcus have been very vocal about their support for Trump and his economic policies, as well as his border wall ambitions. In looking at Dillon Reagan’s public Facebook profile it becomes evident that he’s a typical Portland leftist. Numerous memes and videos showing his support for illegal laborers, communism and hatred for Trump can be found immediately on his page, but it gets even weirder…

The timeline of his firing is very suspect and the “kidnapping” event turned out to be nothing but a domestic disturbance with no charges being filed against anyone. The alleged kidnapping event occurred on May 12^th and his Facebook posts show that he was fired on June 9^th, nearly one month after the incident. Even more odd is that the unemployment compensation denial form from the Oregon unemployment office shows that he was fired on June 19^th, which may just be a typo but is still notable and suspect within itself coupled with the wording on the form stating that he “assisted the police in preventing a kidnapping”.

This whole story stinks of fake news and politically motivated slander against Home Depot and leaves me with a few questions:

11)      Why would there be a gap between his alleged misconduct and his firing?

22)      Why would his reason for termination be so detailed about him “assisting the police in preventing a kidnapping” when the final police report wasn’t for a kidnapping but rather for a disturbance?

33)      Does the Oregon unemployment department go off of what former employees state their reason for firing is on their termination papers?

44)      Who was the manager that fired him and what are his/her political leaning and personal relationship with Reagan?

55)      Who was the couple that created the disturbance and is there any connection between them and Reagan?

Hopefully answers to these questions will be revealed as this story picks up momentum in the mainstream media. As for myself, I think this is a coordinated attempt to financially hurt Home Depot for being a company under Trump supporting, conservative leadership. 

Enhanced Interrogation Techniques Return To Gitmo

    With the terror threats rising in the world, the Trump administration has decided to return to Bush era methods of gathering valuable intelligence from prisoners at Guantanamo Bay Prison that have ties to terrorism. While the practice of waterboarding has been collectively shunned by the liberal community and international governmental bodies, Trump has devised a way around the public concern for humane treatment of war prisoners. 

Instead of using waterboarding, the new accepted method of torture has been designated as severe tickling. The practice itself is quite effective and everyone gets a laugh out of it. Terror suspects are strapped to a chair and tickled with various objects until the valuable intel possibly leading to the defeat of targeted terror cells is gathered. The vibe at Gitmo is one of change and optimism with the coming of the new method.

In a video recorded session of severe tickling posted on Youtube, terror suspect, Yuukin slobmuhknobbi, can be seen succumbing to the torture. He is seen strapped to a table being tickled on his neck with a feather duster screaming for mercy.

"Hahaha! No! No no no! Seriously! Hahahaha! Ow! Ha ha! Oh my God! Ha ha ha ha! Ok, I'll take you to the leader of ISIS! Hahaha! Just stop! Arrggghhh! Ha ha ha ha! Mommy!!!

Yuukin slobmuhknobbi during severe tickling

Many on the left still have reservations about the ethics of the practice and some have even created opposition groups citing that they remember being tickled endlessly by their siblings and how unpleasant the experience became after a few seconds.

President Trump has denied any media requests for a response to those opposed with severe tickling opting to instead release a tweet stating: "Dorks, meet me at the flag pole after school."

Now Playing! Weekend at Hillary's 2!

Now playing at a campaign stop near you! It's Weekend at Hillary's 2! Join Hillary in her mad cap antics as she goes from city to city fleeing a voodoo spell from New Orleans! She got loose from her handlers and now no one knows where she'll be next! The only cure for the voodoo spell is her $5,000 epi-pen. Will she get it in time?!? This is the feel-good show of the season so tell your friends! Weekend at Hillary's 2! Now Playing!

Meet Robbie The 'Robo-Dog'

35 year-old Sheryl Daniels of Fortuna California is the proud human mother of Robbie 'The Robo-Dog'. Sheryl found Robbie one day being abused by a terrible child. Sheryl says the dog was inhumanely being used in a sadistic game of fetch outside of the child's home.

"He was just throwing a stick and Robbie would mindlessly go fetch it for the child's own amusement. The cruelty was unspeakable! I saved Robbie from his terrible captor and now he lives with me in a nice, safe, eco-friendly tiny home that's 100 sq ft. because I'm not a terrible human like everyone else using up all the world's resources."

Seeing that Robbie was exhausted from the cruel game of fetch, she knew she had to do something else to alleviate her new fur-baby's pain and suffering.

"I was on Instagram and saw that someone had saved a turtle by gluing some Lego wheels on it so it could become mobile once again and a number of other stories about animals being saved with prosthetics. Not to be outdone, I came up with the genius idea of replacing Robbie's body with a robotic one that I fashioned from coffee cans and bongs. Now Robbie is the cutest, happiest little bionic dog in the world and no one can question my superior morality and compassion. Oh my God, did I mention how much I hate humans?", Sheryl said.

Robbie doesn't seem to mind his new body much. He's very active throughout the day and can be easily recharged with Sheryl's iPad charger. PETA and other animal groups are celebrating Sheryl's heroic deed by giving her an honorary place in their Animal Savior Hall of Fame in San Francisco.

Woman Shatters Car Window To Save Pumpkin Spice Latte

     Boston housewife, Victoria Maples, is making headlines from her heroic action this past week. The 42 year old was coming out of the PetSmart location at Alewife Brook Pkwy in the city of Cambridge with her Rat Terrier (Who she would like you to know was a rescue dog, by the way) when she noticed a despicable member of society had irresponsibly left an innocent Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks unattended inside of their 2001 Honda Civic with the windows rolled up in 72 degree weather.

The quick thinking heroine immediately knew what to do;

"When I saw the latte sitting there with no fresh air, I couldn't believe someone would be so evil and cold-hearted that they would leave the latte with no means of comfort. I knew I had to do something. At first I looked for a brave man to assist me in freeing the trapped latte but no one seemed to see the severity of the situation or cared to help. I had to take action on my own. I picked up the biggest rock I could find and smashed the window to pieces. Luckily the latte was still fresh and was not harmed. I called the police and fire department and they showed up to assist me in the rescue."

The latte was a little shook up from the ordeal but was still deemed to be consumable. Maples is being heralded as a hero by women all over the country. News stations are officially declaring September 11th Victoria Maples Day in honor of her brave actions. The owner of the Civic was located and is currently facing 20 years to life for their incomprehensible actions.

Colin Kaepernick Refuses To Stand For National Anthem Until It Is Replaced With N.W.A.'s "Fuck The Police"

     NFL quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, made waves in the media recently when he refused to stand for the National Anthem during a pregame ceremony. When asked what his motives were, he stated that the National Anthem itself was rooted in a blind allegiance to the police and that many of the lyrics of the song were racist toward biracial, millionaire, NFL quarterbacks that look presumably Middle-Eastern.

"Just listen to the song lyrics. It says it all. I know it was written in a time when slavery and oppression of biracial millionaire football players ran rampant throughout the United States and we're fooling ourselves as a country if we think we've moved past that point in history. Just the other day my white coach made me run drills and practice without saying please. This oppression is real and anyone that says it isn't, hasn't walked a day in my Gucci loafers. The final straw for me came when my fellow biracial millionaire quarterback, Russell Wilson, was spoken to rudely on Twitter by a white police officer. With that, I demand that we hereby get rid of the National Anthem and replace it with the gangster rap classic by N.W.A., "Fuck The Police". I won't rest until every American is singing the hardcore rap song in every stadium in America. Seriously yo, I'm fuckin' pissed bruh."

Critics of Kaepernick have been very vocal. Conservative pundit, author, filmmaker and radio host, Larry Elder, spoke out against Kaepernick's position on his daily talk radio show.

"Kaepernick is being absolutely ridiculous. The statistics clearly show that white quarterbacks are spoken to rudely on Twitter by police in numbers far greater than that of biracial ones. Even though they make up a greater percentage of NFL quarterbacks than biracial ones that are seemingly Middle-Eastern looking, that statistic is negated by the fact that biracial, seemingly Middle-Eastern quarterbacks are 1000% more likely to be assholes online, thus justifying the police on Twitter's actions."

Princeton professor, Cornel West, shot back at Elder stating:

"Larry Elder is a coon and a mark ass buster. For a dark-skinned black man from South Central Los Angeles to question the oppression and hardships of biracial, multimillionaire, seemingly Middle-Eastern, NFL quarterbacks only shows that he has no understanding of the struggles and hardships they endure. Larry Elder doesn't know a damn thing about being talked to rudely on Twitter. I bet he's never even been to the Super Bowl. The audacity!"

The NFL's public relations department made a statement on Wednesday saying that Kaepernick has every constitutional right to refuse to stand for the National Anthem but they have yet to make a decision on whether or not to honor Kaepernick's request to replace the National Anthem with Fuck The Police.

White Riots in Salt Lake City

In response to the recent police shooting that resulted in the death of 22 year old alleged car thief, Timmy Smith, thousands of white rioters hit the streets of Salt Lake City and proceeded to destroy their own community.

Timmy Smith was pulled over by Salt Lake County deputy Jamar Jackson on August 14th. During the stop, Smith attempted to flee and allegedly pointed a loaded rocket launcher at Jackson. Jackson is on record stating that he then shot at Smith in self-defense and killed Smith.

The rioters have been destroying the once tranquil and predominantly black city of Salt Lake City with reckless abandon. CNN was on location at the time of the riot catching footage of a BP gas station being burned to the ground along with several vehicles. Some rioters went to social media and broadcasted live as they rioted. On one live broadcast, the person filming can be heard screaming to the crowd as a black man drove past in his Subaru Outback to "Get him! He's black! Get him! He's black! Teamwork! Teamwork!" The crowd of angry white people then attacked the man's vehicle with rocks and debris until he managed to escape by accelerating through the angry mob.

The local city alderman, Bill Harris, made a statement at a press conference in response to the riots:

"We need to understand where this anger comes from. Hundreds of white men are being killed by police in our city every day. White men are being systematically oppressed and the people have a legitimate complaint. We need to ban the police in white communities until the police have the interests of white people at heart. Abolish the police, y'all"

The comments caused a lot of opponents to speak out against Harris. Fox News contributor Tyrone Jones spoke out against Alderman Harris on Monday.

"His position that white men are systematically being oppressed and hunted by law enforcement doesn't add up! The statistics don't support the claim. To go into your own neighborhood and destroy it when you don't even know the full facts of the situation that's causing the riots is just mass stupidity. I'm really beginning to wonder about white people's place in civil western society." Jones said.

Jones was immediately dismissed from his position with Fox as his comments were condemned as racist. The National Guard has been called into Salt Lake City to quell the situation as it develops.

Lost Hillary Email Found In Philadelphia Boy's Spam Box!

14 year old Trevor Bennett was just logging in to his gmail account one day after school and he decided to check his spam box to see if anything important had slipped through. Among the usual offers for World of Warcraft training programs and Nigerian identity scams, he saw something interesting. The email was entitled: "Operation Golden Hair". Further investigation of the email showed that it was in fact an email from the bathroom server of Hillary Clinton that had somehow ended up in his spam box.

"It was amazing, bro! I was just gonna check my spam box because sometimes something that's not spam gets lost in there and I found this shit! It's was amazing, bro!"

The email was a strategic blueprint to destroying Bernie Sanders' chance at presidency by rigging the election against him as well as a detailed attack plan on Trump by means of colluding with news reporters and journalists to paint Trump as a racist.

"Fuck Bernie. He's a thorn in my campaign donor's asses. I have an election to win and I won't let some shifty atheist Jew steal my thunder. As for Trump, just tell the reporters to keep calling him racist and make fun of his hands. Has anyone seen where I left the nuclear launch codes? Send them through my twitter if you find them. . Anywho...the conjuring and seance is at 3am tonight. Bring your own virgin for sacrifice" (Email Excerpt)

The email went into stark detail about the Democratic party's plan for the election. Some have been vocal that Hillary must be held accountable for her crimes and tried in a court of law while others are too distracted by race, gender and hating cis white men like Donald Trump in order to form an opinion about Hillary. When reached for comment, Trevor Bennett's parents advised us that he had committed suicide by shooting himself in the face 5 times.

Donald Trump Ineligible To Be President! Born in Kenya!

New reports are beginning to surface concerning Donald Trump's eligibility to be president. Cockgawker.com has reported that Donald Trump's maternal grandmother in Nairobi, Kenya states that Trump was actually born in Kenya. This new revelation can have huge implications on Trump's presidency. 

Anyone not born on United States soil is immediately disqualified from being the president. The original notion that Trump is a true-blue New Yorker is now in question. Further reports have stated that Donald Trump was mentored by the infamous communist, Frank Marshall Davis while a young man in Hawaii. This is troubling for many Americans that are concerned about the influence a die-hard communist may have had on the leader of our capitalist nation.

Cockgawker.com's report is damning for Trump, to say the least. Trump's childhood is a mystery wrapped in an enigma that's lost in a farce, twisted in a conundrum that has been disguised as Americana and hidden somewhere under the couch mattress in the lobby of the Tulsa Ramada Inn. Some have even been so racist as to speculate that because he went to a Muslim school in Indonesia, he may have some Muslim sympathies.

Trump has replied to the allegations stating, "Uuhhh...this is a waste of our time. Uuuhhh...Pure silliness in a world that requires seriousness at a time like this. We have Christian radicals, uuuhhh...that are uuuhhh spreading throughout the uuuhhh Middle-East, Asia, Europe, Africa and America and uuuhhh....they want to talk about this?" Trump said from behind the comfort of a teleprompter.

New York billionaire, Hillary Clinton, has demanded that Trump go public with his birth-certificate. She spoke with the press from her Harlem apartment for a brief moment on Friday;

"Where is the birth-certificate? I don't think it's wise to elect a man that hasn't been fully vetted as an American citizen. What do we really know about Donald Trump? It's like he came out of nowhere. Who is this man? Clinton said.

Questions regarding Trump's time at college are also coming to the surface. When asked if Trump would be willing to release his college transcripts, he adamantly denied the request and quickly diverted the media's attention to him dancing on the Ellen Degenerate show. 

Muslim Men Treated To Surprise Dominatrix Show

Two western culture females showed their gratitude for the presence of Islam in France by greeting a room full of Muslim men to a free BDSM show. The two saucy young tarts hopped onstage and immediately went into their impromptu traditional French expression of dominatrix entertainment.
The Middle-Eastern Muslim men seemed to be a bit confused by the dominatrix show at first.

We spoke to one of the men in the audience by the name of, Beesh Az Mooda Fooka, a native of Iran. Mr. Mooda Fooka took offense to the BDSM show stating that his Muslim sensibilities were offended.

"This is outlandish! Never in my beautiful country of Iran would women ever assume a dominant sexual role! Those roles are only to be taken by goats and 11 year-old boys! Let these evil French women find themselves in their error and turn to Allah or be executed! Inshallah! Lalalalalal!!!!!! Womma lomma ding-dong!!!!"

The Muslim men quickly got wise to what they were witnessing and quickly decided to get in on the show in a more interactive way. Dozens of men from the audience marched up to the stage and began to return the sadism by driving the women into the ground and stomping the living fuck out of them.

"I don't think they fully understand the role of the dominant feminist in western culture and how they're just supposed to give us their balls." Said Sally Dumcunt of Marseilles. "They weren't supposed to reverse it on us. I bet these provincial morons don't even like to be humiliated and emasculated by women." Dumcunt continued.

All in all, the BDSM show made for great theater and a lesson in cultural differences. The women who are a part of the BDSM Collective named, 'FEMEN', made clear that they look forward to more shows for Muslim men but also hope that they learn the ways of their western, male counterparts and just let them play like they're powerful once in a while.

Satan Considering New Ideology To Destroy Humanity

In response to the growing numbers of members of the LGBT community and liberals becoming aware of the intolerant and murderous political nature of Islam, Satan is now considering new political ideologies that will successfully complete his goals of human enslavement.

Illegal Satire sat down with Satan in his condo outside of Washington D.C. to hear more from the great deceiver himself. 

IS: So Satan, we hear that you've been thinking of a new way to enslave humanity. Please tell us more.

Satan: Well, you know, it's been a rough few thousand years for me. I've been trying to find different political ideologies that come off as being morally righteous in order to deceive all of humanity into total enslavement but God always seems to find a way to show my cards to the world. 

IS: Wow! Very interesting. It seems most people are unaware of your plight.

Satan: Yeah, they don't really know me. I've tried a lot of different things in the past that were promising to begin with but it just doesn't seem like I can get a break. I tried to stifle human advancement with communism but that damn America with its Christian foundation didn't let me do it on a global level. I still have a few countries that subscribe to that old goodie but the ideology itself doesn't seem to stick once people find out it leads to mass murder, industrial stagnation and poverty. 

IS: Yeah, communism was definitely a good attempt on your part. 

Satan: Oh, thank you! That means so much to me. Maybe they'll let me slip the tip in with socialism sometime soon. A guy can dream, right? 

IS: Ha! Right? So what's going on with Islam?

Satan: Well...it seems to be losing its ground. I had a lot of liberals on my side at first when I got them to equate Islam with race. You should see them in the streets decrying how racist every other religion in the world is because they don't want to be subjugated to Sharia law. It's hilarious! Oh Me, they're so fucking stupid! But I digress. Truth is, Islam isn't a religion at all. It's another one of my political ideologies disguised as a religion so that it may be protected under the guise of tolerance and salvation. 

IS: Damn...that's pretty crafty.

Satan: Ha! I know, God sent Jesus down here and he even told them that there would be other prophets to come after him claiming to be the Messiah and the original Muslims forgot and actually followed Muhammad into total enslavement. It was awesome! I'm very proud of myself for creating Islam.

IS: Hmm...so what's the end goal here?

Satan: You have to understand that I hate God's plan for humanity. He actually made these inferior beings more powerful than myself and my fellow angels. What nerve! He wants to see them become technologically advanced and transcend into other realms of consciousness. I think that's total bullshit! These plebs should be worshiping me! My end goal is to ultimately have humans serve me either by them serving themselves or worshiping the state as their savior. Either way, they're worshiping me and don't even know it. 

IS: What other political ideologies are you responsible for?

Satan: Pretty much every single one except for the one put forth by the founders of America. Those assholes made it so people had freedom to pursue individual endeavors and they've managed to get so far as peering into other galaxies with space probes, advancing medicine more than any other nation on Earth, they've propped up failing nations and liberated them from my grips, and they allow every religion to spread throughout their country because of their Christian based tolerance . That last part was the weak point I've been aiming for. They're so tolerant of religion that I've had to use Islam as a Trojan horse to destroy God's people. My next move is globalism. My liberal followers have swallowed the pill of globalism under the chant of, "No human is illegal!". It's great. It's starting to pick up speed in America. The liberals actually believe it's righteous to let people of other nations come into their country with absolutely no intentions of assimilating but to rather live off of legal citizen's tax dollars. Whatever I have to do to stop the people of America and Israel, I'll do it, bro. I've been trying to make strides by taking their free speech and guns, among other things. 

IS: Is this what you're doing in Europe, too?

Satan: Yup! Those people have been fighting back the encroachment of Islam for 1,400 years and it's finally starting to take hold because of globalism. Damn, I'm pretty good, right?

IS: Aren't you concerned about God's word that has stated that you will lose in the end?

Satan: Meh...that may be true but in the meantime I'll take as many souls as I can get.

Lone Gun Kills 50 In Nightclub Massacre

     50 people were brutally killed Saturday night when a lone gun walked itself into Pulse nightclub in Orlando Florida and proceeded to massacre innocent party-goers. Ultimately becoming bored with the fracas, the lone gun then decided to turn on itself and shoot itself in the barrel, thus ending the parade of violence. Survivors of the massacre stated that the gun was screaming, "Madafie Kabira!", which translates into, "Guns are great!" in Arabic. 

When conservative guest Morky Mork on 'The Joe Schmoe Show' on MSNBC speculated on whether or not this was an act of religious terrorism in the name of Gunslam (a religion of peace), the other guests immediately pointed out the blatant intolerance and ignorance in Morky Mork's comments and he was immediately blacklisted from any cool parties with Sean Penn and Cher. 

President Obama made a statement at a later press conference from his vacation home in Mecca stating, "Morky Mork's comments are not who we are as Americans! We stand for tolerance and we will not stand for any Gunslamophobia!"

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump made a statement of his own suggesting that all guns should be inspected before entering the United States to make sure that they have not been radicalized by Gunslam (a religion of peace). Trump's remarks created a wildfire of controversy among young liberals who have accused Trump of racism for his remarks. Trump fired back at the liberals on Twitter by tweeting, "Deez nuts, muthafuckazzz! Gonna make America great again! Come at me, bro!"

Radical, racist, redneck, republicans later chimed in on the conversation via various social media outlets suggesting that perhaps there was a human behind the attack. Their absurd claims were of course summarily deleted by Hillary Clinton and Mark Zuckerberg's crack team of deletion specialists and SWAT teams were dispatched to their homes where several family pets were killed. 

The story is still developing.

Thousands of Dead Voters Rise From The Grave On Voting Day!

In a unsurprising turn of events, thousands of deceased voters rose from the grave on Tuesday to go to the polls and show their support for Hillary Clinton.

When stopped and questioned by Illegal Satire's man in the streets, Jerry Boberry, zombie and Democrat voter, Ida Robinson, stated that she's been waiting for 4 years to be able to come out of her resting place for the chance to vote for Hillary Clinton.

"Oh lawd hammercy, child! We got a woman to vote for this time? Praise the lawd! Things they are a changing! Last two elections we got to vote for a nice mulatto gentleman and now a woman? I tells ya, the democrat party is surely the party of the people!"

Fellow zombie and former republican voter, Johnie Karls, was in disagreement with the Democrat party's choice of presidential nominee this time around.

"In my life I was always a republican but since I've been dead I've been a faithful and loyal democrat voter. This presidential election cycle has been a let down for me personally. I was hoping to vote for Donald Trump but as a zombie it's impossible. Being deceased and a registered voter has its perks but it also has it's downsides. We are forced to vote for democrats but at least we get to wake up every election season and cast our vote. Meh..."

When questioned about their right to vote and whether or not it's fair to include the votes of the deceased, the crowd of zombies immediately became enraged with our reporter, Jerry Boberry, and ate his face off while chanting "RACIST!!!"

Martian Congressman to Trump: "Take Your Space and Shove It Up Your Ass!"

In a surprising interview today with Martian Congressman, Filemone Velar X, the congressman went after Donald Trump stating that his plans to create more space between Mars and Earth is flat-out racist. The Martian politician is so incensed with the notion of more space between the planets that the vitriol got a bit edgy when Velar said, "Take your space and shove it up your ass!".

 Donald Trump's plan to create a larger buffer zone between Mars and Earth comes as response to the mass influx of Martians coming to Earth in search of cushy welfare freebies and a chance to vote for Democrats. Martians have been showing up to Trump rallies en masse to protest Trump. Things have gotten pretty heated in the streets as Earthlings battle it out with raving mad Martians hurling insults and charges of racism and xenophobia.

 "Donald Trump is a racist!" Illegal Martian, Zabadu Benano, stated when interviewed by Illegal Satire. When asked why he felt Donald Trump was a racist, Zabadu Benano replied, "Because...erm...Martians are Earthlings too! Plus Donald Trump is white, heterosexual, male and human. You just know how racist they are!"

 Trump has remained mostly silent on the topic and continues to lead in the polls. Trump has made a few tongue-in-cheek remarks concerning Martians. Recently, Trump made a controversial tweet showing himself enjoying a taco bowl along with the words, "I love Martians!".

'Gods of Egypt' Casting Creates Controversy!

The casting choices made by the producers of the upcoming film, 'Gods of Egypt' has created quite the controversy among the Desert Worm-American community.

Zorlok Jamal Johnson III, the main spokesman for the NAADW (National Association for the Advancement of Desert Worms) has been very vocal about the choice of casting, saying, "To have the ancient Desert Worms of Egypt represented by Sea Worms is not only historically inaccurate, it's a downright affront on Desert Worms with the obvious aim being to rob them of their true history and knowledge of self. The true ancient worms of Egypt were Desert Worms that looked like us! Everywhere you look, you can see the truth! The ancient art of Egypt depicts the original worms as Desert Worms and this cannot be denied! These Sea Worm supremacy conspiracies shall be brought to the light and we will not stand by peacefully waiting for justice!"

Clamato O'Connor, a Sea Worm that was cast for a part in the film, says he doesn't see the issue with the casting choices. "Look at the humans that they've cast in the film. They're of a significantly lighter hue than the original Egyptian humans and no one is making a stink about that! This is just a sci-fi, shlocky film. It's not meant to be historically accurate. Zorlok needs to relax his scales and be happy for a Worm brother. We're all the same species in the eyes of our creator, Just stop being petty."

Johnson responded to O'Connor's comments on the Alovious Sharpton Show, "You don't know a damn thing about the history of the true Egyptian Desert Worm's and it's not your place to tell me how to feel! We are not the same species! We were kings and you were our slaves and we will put you back in your lowly place among Worms!"

Peace activists have called for cooler head's to prevail stating that Zorlok is displaying reverse wormism unbecoming of a descendant of Egyptian Worm Kings.

The producer of 'Gods of Egypt' Hershelius Abraham, a Jewdishius Worm, denied our requests for any comment and is currently on location in Ireland filming his next film, 'True Mexicanos'.

Where Are They Now? The WWF's 'The Headshrinkers'

With their Samoan swagger and formidable athletic prowess, 'The Headshrinkers' took the World Wrestling Federation by storm in the late 80's and early 90's. We recently caught up with the legendary tag team duo for a brief interview to see what they've been up to for the past 20 something years.

IS: So what happened to you guys when you left the WWF?

TH: Oh, you know...we had a few ups and downs in our time after we left the WWF. Things were rough for a second but we both managed to get out of the slump we were in. After the fall of the WWF, we both had to get day jobs.

IS: That's interesting. It must have been tough coming out of a career in entertainment and have to go back to the real world.

TH: Well, it wasn't an immediate entry back into the workforce. There was a time where we were completely destitute and living on Venice Beach. We were living in our 1988 Lincoln Town Car limousine and doing street performances to get by.

IS: Street performances? Really? What kind of street performances were you doing?

TH: Mostly just fire walking, glass walking, and hanging weights from our dicks. We even started a YouTube "Pranks In The Hood" series but that didn't go anywhere. We kept getting our asses beat in Compton until enough was enough.

IS: So what happened after that?

TH: Once we both realized that our street performance careers weren't going anywhere, we both decided to enroll in nursing school.

IS: Nursing school? Wow! What a career change!

TH: Yeah, life is good now. We got our degrees, moved to Brazil and now we both work in hospitals all over the country in the hospital nurseries.

IS: In the nurseries? What's that like?

TH: Oh it's great! We get to be around all of the babies and massage their heads a lot...

Woman Types 'Amen' on Facebook and Immediately Receives $1 Billion Dollars!

Clarice Hampton was just casually scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed on Friday inside a bathroom stall at Applebee's on 14 Mile Rd in Madison Heights, Michigan when she saw that one of her friends had commented on a post. Upon further investigation of her friend's comment, she saw that her friend had typed the word 'Amen' on a post stating, "Type 'Amen' and Jesus will bless you with financial freedom."

Clarice thought what could be the harm in typing a simple word?

"There I was, just on the toilet pinching a loaf and scrolling through Facebook and I thought what the hell? Why not?" Clarice said.

As soon as Clarice typed the simple four-letter word, Jesus H. Christ magically appeared over the toilet partition and began to shower Clarice in $100 dollar bills.

"It was the best thing that ever happened to me! He came out of nowhere and made it rain on me then he told me to light a match and suddenly he was just gone!"

After counting the money, Clarice came to find that she was blessed in the amount of $1 billion dollars. Several Applebee's employees assisted her with collecting the money by providing her with doggy bags.

Clarice is now able to quit her job at K Mart and plans on starting a church.

"Christ has shown himself to me and given me everything I could ever want. I feel like I should start really believing in him now and helping to spread the word that Christ wants to bless other casual Facebookers and that it could happen to them, too. I'm naming my church, "The Church of Benjamin".

When asked why she would be naming the church, "The Church of Benjamin", Clarice simply stated, "Because it's obviously his favorite denomination. I'M RICH BITCH!!!"