'Gods of Egypt' Casting Creates Controversy!

The casting choices made by the producers of the upcoming film, 'Gods of Egypt' has created quite the controversy among the Desert Worm-American community.

Zorlok Jamal Johnson III, the main spokesman for the NAADW (National Association for the Advancement of Desert Worms) has been very vocal about the choice of casting, saying, "To have the ancient Desert Worms of Egypt represented by Sea Worms is not only historically inaccurate, it's a downright affront on Desert Worms with the obvious aim being to rob them of their true history and knowledge of self. The true ancient worms of Egypt were Desert Worms that looked like us! Everywhere you look, you can see the truth! The ancient art of Egypt depicts the original worms as Desert Worms and this cannot be denied! These Sea Worm supremacy conspiracies shall be brought to the light and we will not stand by peacefully waiting for justice!"

Clamato O'Connor, a Sea Worm that was cast for a part in the film, says he doesn't see the issue with the casting choices. "Look at the humans that they've cast in the film. They're of a significantly lighter hue than the original Egyptian humans and no one is making a stink about that! This is just a sci-fi, shlocky film. It's not meant to be historically accurate. Zorlok needs to relax his scales and be happy for a Worm brother. We're all the same species in the eyes of our creator, Just stop being petty."

Johnson responded to O'Connor's comments on the Alovious Sharpton Show, "You don't know a damn thing about the history of the true Egyptian Desert Worm's and it's not your place to tell me how to feel! We are not the same species! We were kings and you were our slaves and we will put you back in your lowly place among Worms!"

Peace activists have called for cooler head's to prevail stating that Zorlok is displaying reverse wormism unbecoming of a descendant of Egyptian Worm Kings.

The producer of 'Gods of Egypt' Hershelius Abraham, a Jewdishius Worm, denied our requests for any comment and is currently on location in Ireland filming his next film, 'True Mexicanos'.

Where Are They Now? The WWF's 'The Headshrinkers'

With their Samoan swagger and formidable athletic prowess, 'The Headshrinkers' took the World Wrestling Federation by storm in the late 80's and early 90's. We recently caught up with the legendary tag team duo for a brief interview to see what they've been up to for the past 20 something years.

IS: So what happened to you guys when you left the WWF?

TH: Oh, you know...we had a few ups and downs in our time after we left the WWF. Things were rough for a second but we both managed to get out of the slump we were in. After the fall of the WWF, we both had to get day jobs.

IS: That's interesting. It must have been tough coming out of a career in entertainment and have to go back to the real world.

TH: Well, it wasn't an immediate entry back into the workforce. There was a time where we were completely destitute and living on Venice Beach. We were living in our 1988 Lincoln Town Car limousine and doing street performances to get by.

IS: Street performances? Really? What kind of street performances were you doing?

TH: Mostly just fire walking, glass walking, and hanging weights from our dicks. We even started a YouTube "Pranks In The Hood" series but that didn't go anywhere. We kept getting our asses beat in Compton until enough was enough.

IS: So what happened after that?

TH: Once we both realized that our street performance careers weren't going anywhere, we both decided to enroll in nursing school.

IS: Nursing school? Wow! What a career change!

TH: Yeah, life is good now. We got our degrees, moved to Brazil and now we both work in hospitals all over the country in the hospital nurseries.

IS: In the nurseries? What's that like?

TH: Oh it's great! We get to be around all of the babies and massage their heads a lot...

Woman Types 'Amen' on Facebook and Immediately Receives $1 Billion Dollars!

Clarice Hampton was just casually scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed on Friday inside a bathroom stall at Applebee's on 14 Mile Rd in Madison Heights, Michigan when she saw that one of her friends had commented on a post. Upon further investigation of her friend's comment, she saw that her friend had typed the word 'Amen' on a post stating, "Type 'Amen' and Jesus will bless you with financial freedom."

Clarice thought what could be the harm in typing a simple word?

"There I was, just on the toilet pinching a loaf and scrolling through Facebook and I thought what the hell? Why not?" Clarice said.

As soon as Clarice typed the simple four-letter word, Jesus H. Christ magically appeared over the toilet partition and began to shower Clarice in $100 dollar bills.

"It was the best thing that ever happened to me! He came out of nowhere and made it rain on me then he told me to light a match and suddenly he was just gone!"

After counting the money, Clarice came to find that she was blessed in the amount of $1 billion dollars. Several Applebee's employees assisted her with collecting the money by providing her with doggy bags.

Clarice is now able to quit her job at K Mart and plans on starting a church.

"Christ has shown himself to me and given me everything I could ever want. I feel like I should start really believing in him now and helping to spread the word that Christ wants to bless other casual Facebookers and that it could happen to them, too. I'm naming my church, "The Church of Benjamin".

When asked why she would be naming the church, "The Church of Benjamin", Clarice simply stated, "Because it's obviously his favorite denomination. I'M RICH BITCH!!!"

FBI to Apple: "Open Your Backdoor!"

The FBI has found itself in possession of the iPhone owned by the San Bernardino terrorist shooter and now wants full access so they can play Candy Crush and Trivia Crack without exceeding their data usage for the month on their own phones. The FBI has gone as far as to take it to a federal judge that has in turn demanded that Apple unlock the shooter's phone. The FBI is currently unable to figure out the passcode on the iPhone and has been struggling with the four-digit code.

"We've tried everything! It's not 4911 like we suspected. We hereby demand that Tim Cook open his backdoor to us! Just let us put the tip in! We got these wack ass Obama phones, bruh! Let us use this dope ass iPhone, cuz!" a federal spokesperson stated in a press conference.

Tim Cook has released a public letter to everyone letting them know that they will not be cooperating with the FBI and that they will be keeping the four-digit code a secret.

"Apple believes this is an egregious abuse of federal power and we will not be spreading our backdoor wide open for the Feds. Fuck off!" Cook stated.

Janet Reno has come out of retirement and is currently in a standoff at Tim Cook's mansion with ATF agents equipped with guns and fire to flex their nuts on Mr. Cook. if he does not cooperate.

The story is still developing...

"If Donald Trump Becomes President, I'm Moving Back To Canada!" - Ted Cruz

Presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, has been pretty riled up lately. Donald Trump has been spanking him in every single state and Cruz has just not been able to catch up with the golden, feathery haired candidate.

Reporters with Illegal Satire caught up with Ted Cruz at a Tim Horton's in Detroit, just across from Windsor Ontario. When asked about Donald Trump's seemingly insurmountable lead in the polls. Ted Cruz simply said that, "If Donald Trump becomes president, I'm moving back to Canada. The American people are pretty stupid when it comes to picking leaders, eh? I'm not aboot to live in a nation that can't see who the real American is. I can see a conman politician coming from a kilometer away. I talked to my friends Alex Trebek and William Shatner and they agree with me. If Trump is chosen, we will all be moving to Montreal and joining the cast of 'Kids In The Hall' for side work."

After the interview, Cruz immediately left the Tim Horton's on his moose and continued on his campaign trail.

Black Lives Matter Founder Shaun King Changes Into Indian Man

Black Lives Matter movement founder and social justice warrior, Shaun King, has decided to abandon the movement in exchange for a new cause, the 'Punjab Lives Matter' movement. King has said that he sees more opportunity in fighting for the plight of the Indian people and foresees the Indian population in America growing to a point where it makes more sense for him to be an Indian man than a black man. 

"There's like billions of 'em, dude. This black struggle just ain't paying off no more and I think I can pass off as a Punjab man pretty well. I'm totally going for it, dude." Shaun said. 

In response to King's second change in race, black activists have started to boycott 7-11 stores in hoods nationwide. When told of the boycott, Shaun King responded by saying, "Haha! Jokes on them! As soon as I became an Indian dude, I got a free Dunkin' Donuts franchise! F*ck 7-11!"

Miami Police Union Vote Against Beyonce. Say Kelly is Hotter!

The Miami Police Union has unanimously voted to boycott Beyonce's upcoming tour in Florida stating that they are like really really mad at her for being a big racist poopy head at the Super Bowl.

The backlash came after Beyonce performed at the Super Bowl alongside a bunch of smoking hot black chicks dressed in leather dominatrix outfits that are the source of confusion of every curious white man that doesn't know how to feel about being attracted to black chicks and feels threatened by his unexpected boner.

A spokesman for the Police Union stated at a press conference, "Beyonce, girl...you ain't all that! Naw, Bey...you think you hot but you not! Kelly Rowland has always been the hot one. You just got yo daddy and mommy making you famous and your husband's lips look like some over baked croissants. You bitch you..."

Beyonce responded to the Police Union from her multi-million dollar California estate stating that, "You suckaz don't know what it's like being black and underprivileged! I am too the hot one! Shut up! I grew up in the tough streets of zero-percent crime rate suburban Houston where black people get the wrong Starbucks orders daily and have to deal with snarky white waitresses and butlers!"

The police union fired back saying, "Kelly is still hotter than you..."

Zuckerberg Ignores Kanye...Ray J Responds

Kanye West is going through financial problems and has gone to Mark Zuckerberg via Twitter in an attempt to receive $53 Million from the young billionaire. Zuckerberg has been mute and has not responded to Kanye's virtual panhandling.

In response to Kanye's request for money, Ray J has offered his career boosting services to Kanye stating that he would be willing to lend his star making penis to Kanye.

Kanye's wife Kim Kardashian was made famous by Ray J's penis in their sextape that launched her career, as well as her entire family's career and Ray J thinks a little rumpus in the bedroom with Kanye may be what he needs to spur his dwindling fame.

Kanye responded on Twitter telling Ray J that, "Ha! You ain't got the answers Ray J! Ha!"

Ray J's penis chimed in and responded to Kanye's tweet by saying, "Actually, we do have the answers..."

Pope Francis Calls Out Pink Floyd For Making 'The Wall'. Says They Aren't Christians!

Pope Francis recently made comments about Donald Trump wanting to build a massive wall between the United States and Mexico. The Pope went on to say that anyone that builds a wall and not a bridge is "Not Christian". The Pope's comments were ironically made from behind the Vatican's 40 foot-tall wall in Rome while surrounded by Swiss Guards in stylish pantaloons of wildly assorted colors. 

After the Pope's hypocrisy was called out by many entertainers, the Pope went on the defensive and continued his anti wall rant by going after the legendary British rock group, Pink Floyd, for making the classic album, 'The Wall'. The Pope called the album the worst rock album of all time and said that Judas Priest would kick their asses in a guitar solo and that Pink Floyd weren't real Christians. 

Pink Floyd responded on twitter by simply telling the Pope to, "Hey Franky...leave those kids alone."  

The Pope could not be reached for further comment. 

Manny Pacquiao Apologizes To Gay Community and Starts a New Gay Pride Parade

Manny Pacquiao recently came under fire by the LGBT community from his recent remarks about gays being, "Worse than animals". As a result of Manny's comments, he immediately lost his endorsement deal with Nike. Manny's PR manager was quick to make a public statement to clarify that Manny's anti-gay comments were misconstrued by the media.

"Manny is in fact very pro-gay and when he said that gays were "worse than animals", he was speaking in terms of them pleasuring his peanut butter laden nutsack. The quote was taken out of context and Manny simply prefers German Shepards pleasuring him." Manny's PR manager stated.

As a show of apology, Manny has gone on to create a gay pride parade that will take place annually in Manila. The parade has been titled "The Fudge Pacquiao Pride Parade" and all walks of life are welcome to attend...including dogs. 

Baby Dolphin Dies At Bernie Sander's Rally After People Take Selfies With It

Droves of raving mad Bernie Sander's supporters were completely absent minded recently when they managed to kill a baby dolphin at a BS rally in Illinois when selfishly taking selfies with it. The baby dolphin swam ashore on the Interstate 80 and accidentally found itself among the dumbest people on planet Earth. Sadly, the dolphin could not be resuscitated and was later found in a heap of garbage at the Illinois Convention Center. Luckily, the dolphin was a registered communist with the Democrat party and the loss is not that great.