Now Playing! Weekend at Hillary's 2!

Now playing at a campaign stop near you! It's Weekend at Hillary's 2! Join Hillary in her mad cap antics as she goes from city to city fleeing a voodoo spell from New Orleans! She got loose from her handlers and now no one knows where she'll be next! The only cure for the voodoo spell is her $5,000 epi-pen. Will she get it in time?!? This is the feel-good show of the season so tell your friends! Weekend at Hillary's 2! Now Playing!

Meet Robbie The 'Robo-Dog'

35 year-old Sheryl Daniels of Fortuna California is the proud human mother of Robbie 'The Robo-Dog'. Sheryl found Robbie one day being abused by a terrible child. Sheryl says the dog was inhumanely being used in a sadistic game of fetch outside of the child's home.

"He was just throwing a stick and Robbie would mindlessly go fetch it for the child's own amusement. The cruelty was unspeakable! I saved Robbie from his terrible captor and now he lives with me in a nice, safe, eco-friendly tiny home that's 100 sq ft. because I'm not a terrible human like everyone else using up all the world's resources."

Seeing that Robbie was exhausted from the cruel game of fetch, she knew she had to do something else to alleviate her new fur-baby's pain and suffering.

"I was on Instagram and saw that someone had saved a turtle by gluing some Lego wheels on it so it could become mobile once again and a number of other stories about animals being saved with prosthetics. Not to be outdone, I came up with the genius idea of replacing Robbie's body with a robotic one that I fashioned from coffee cans and bongs. Now Robbie is the cutest, happiest little bionic dog in the world and no one can question my superior morality and compassion. Oh my God, did I mention how much I hate humans?", Sheryl said.

Robbie doesn't seem to mind his new body much. He's very active throughout the day and can be easily recharged with Sheryl's iPad charger. PETA and other animal groups are celebrating Sheryl's heroic deed by giving her an honorary place in their Animal Savior Hall of Fame in San Francisco.

Woman Shatters Car Window To Save Pumpkin Spice Latte

     Boston housewife, Victoria Maples, is making headlines from her heroic action this past week. The 42 year old was coming out of the PetSmart location at Alewife Brook Pkwy in the city of Cambridge with her Rat Terrier (Who she would like you to know was a rescue dog, by the way) when she noticed a despicable member of society had irresponsibly left an innocent Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks unattended inside of their 2001 Honda Civic with the windows rolled up in 72 degree weather.

The quick thinking heroine immediately knew what to do;

"When I saw the latte sitting there with no fresh air, I couldn't believe someone would be so evil and cold-hearted that they would leave the latte with no means of comfort. I knew I had to do something. At first I looked for a brave man to assist me in freeing the trapped latte but no one seemed to see the severity of the situation or cared to help. I had to take action on my own. I picked up the biggest rock I could find and smashed the window to pieces. Luckily the latte was still fresh and was not harmed. I called the police and fire department and they showed up to assist me in the rescue."

The latte was a little shook up from the ordeal but was still deemed to be consumable. Maples is being heralded as a hero by women all over the country. News stations are officially declaring September 11th Victoria Maples Day in honor of her brave actions. The owner of the Civic was located and is currently facing 20 years to life for their incomprehensible actions.

Colin Kaepernick Refuses To Stand For National Anthem Until It Is Replaced With N.W.A.'s "Fuck The Police"

     NFL quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, made waves in the media recently when he refused to stand for the National Anthem during a pregame ceremony. When asked what his motives were, he stated that the National Anthem itself was rooted in a blind allegiance to the police and that many of the lyrics of the song were racist toward biracial, millionaire, NFL quarterbacks that look presumably Middle-Eastern.

"Just listen to the song lyrics. It says it all. I know it was written in a time when slavery and oppression of biracial millionaire football players ran rampant throughout the United States and we're fooling ourselves as a country if we think we've moved past that point in history. Just the other day my white coach made me run drills and practice without saying please. This oppression is real and anyone that says it isn't, hasn't walked a day in my Gucci loafers. The final straw for me came when my fellow biracial millionaire quarterback, Russell Wilson, was spoken to rudely on Twitter by a white police officer. With that, I demand that we hereby get rid of the National Anthem and replace it with the gangster rap classic by N.W.A., "Fuck The Police". I won't rest until every American is singing the hardcore rap song in every stadium in America. Seriously yo, I'm fuckin' pissed bruh."

Critics of Kaepernick have been very vocal. Conservative pundit, author, filmmaker and radio host, Larry Elder, spoke out against Kaepernick's position on his daily talk radio show.

"Kaepernick is being absolutely ridiculous. The statistics clearly show that white quarterbacks are spoken to rudely on Twitter by police in numbers far greater than that of biracial ones. Even though they make up a greater percentage of NFL quarterbacks than biracial ones that are seemingly Middle-Eastern looking, that statistic is negated by the fact that biracial, seemingly Middle-Eastern quarterbacks are 1000% more likely to be assholes online, thus justifying the police on Twitter's actions."

Princeton professor, Cornel West, shot back at Elder stating:

"Larry Elder is a coon and a mark ass buster. For a dark-skinned black man from South Central Los Angeles to question the oppression and hardships of biracial, multimillionaire, seemingly Middle-Eastern, NFL quarterbacks only shows that he has no understanding of the struggles and hardships they endure. Larry Elder doesn't know a damn thing about being talked to rudely on Twitter. I bet he's never even been to the Super Bowl. The audacity!"

The NFL's public relations department made a statement on Wednesday saying that Kaepernick has every constitutional right to refuse to stand for the National Anthem but they have yet to make a decision on whether or not to honor Kaepernick's request to replace the National Anthem with Fuck The Police.

White Riots in Salt Lake City

In response to the recent police shooting that resulted in the death of 22 year old alleged car thief, Timmy Smith, thousands of white rioters hit the streets of Salt Lake City and proceeded to destroy their own community.

Timmy Smith was pulled over by Salt Lake County deputy Jamar Jackson on August 14th. During the stop, Smith attempted to flee and allegedly pointed a loaded rocket launcher at Jackson. Jackson is on record stating that he then shot at Smith in self-defense and killed Smith.

The rioters have been destroying the once tranquil and predominantly black city of Salt Lake City with reckless abandon. CNN was on location at the time of the riot catching footage of a BP gas station being burned to the ground along with several vehicles. Some rioters went to social media and broadcasted live as they rioted. On one live broadcast, the person filming can be heard screaming to the crowd as a black man drove past in his Subaru Outback to "Get him! He's black! Get him! He's black! Teamwork! Teamwork!" The crowd of angry white people then attacked the man's vehicle with rocks and debris until he managed to escape by accelerating through the angry mob.

The local city alderman, Bill Harris, made a statement at a press conference in response to the riots:

"We need to understand where this anger comes from. Hundreds of white men are being killed by police in our city every day. White men are being systematically oppressed and the people have a legitimate complaint. We need to ban the police in white communities until the police have the interests of white people at heart. Abolish the police, y'all"

The comments caused a lot of opponents to speak out against Harris. Fox News contributor Tyrone Jones spoke out against Alderman Harris on Monday.

"His position that white men are systematically being oppressed and hunted by law enforcement doesn't add up! The statistics don't support the claim. To go into your own neighborhood and destroy it when you don't even know the full facts of the situation that's causing the riots is just mass stupidity. I'm really beginning to wonder about white people's place in civil western society." Jones said.

Jones was immediately dismissed from his position with Fox as his comments were condemned as racist. The National Guard has been called into Salt Lake City to quell the situation as it develops.

Lost Hillary Email Found In Philadelphia Boy's Spam Box!

14 year old Trevor Bennett was just logging in to his gmail account one day after school and he decided to check his spam box to see if anything important had slipped through. Among the usual offers for World of Warcraft training programs and Nigerian identity scams, he saw something interesting. The email was entitled: "Operation Golden Hair". Further investigation of the email showed that it was in fact an email from the bathroom server of Hillary Clinton that had somehow ended up in his spam box.

"It was amazing, bro! I was just gonna check my spam box because sometimes something that's not spam gets lost in there and I found this shit! It's was amazing, bro!"

The email was a strategic blueprint to destroying Bernie Sanders' chance at presidency by rigging the election against him as well as a detailed attack plan on Trump by means of colluding with news reporters and journalists to paint Trump as a racist.

"Fuck Bernie. He's a thorn in my campaign donor's asses. I have an election to win and I won't let some shifty atheist Jew steal my thunder. As for Trump, just tell the reporters to keep calling him racist and make fun of his hands. Has anyone seen where I left the nuclear launch codes? Send them through my twitter if you find them. . Anywho...the conjuring and seance is at 3am tonight. Bring your own virgin for sacrifice" (Email Excerpt)

The email went into stark detail about the Democratic party's plan for the election. Some have been vocal that Hillary must be held accountable for her crimes and tried in a court of law while others are too distracted by race, gender and hating cis white men like Donald Trump in order to form an opinion about Hillary. When reached for comment, Trevor Bennett's parents advised us that he had committed suicide by shooting himself in the face 5 times.

Donald Trump Ineligible To Be President! Born in Kenya!

New reports are beginning to surface concerning Donald Trump's eligibility to be president. Cockgawker.com has reported that Donald Trump's maternal grandmother in Nairobi, Kenya states that Trump was actually born in Kenya. This new revelation can have huge implications on Trump's presidency. 

Anyone not born on United States soil is immediately disqualified from being the president. The original notion that Trump is a true-blue New Yorker is now in question. Further reports have stated that Donald Trump was mentored by the infamous communist, Frank Marshall Davis while a young man in Hawaii. This is troubling for many Americans that are concerned about the influence a die-hard communist may have had on the leader of our capitalist nation.

Cockgawker.com's report is damning for Trump, to say the least. Trump's childhood is a mystery wrapped in an enigma that's lost in a farce, twisted in a conundrum that has been disguised as Americana and hidden somewhere under the couch mattress in the lobby of the Tulsa Ramada Inn. Some have even been so racist as to speculate that because he went to a Muslim school in Indonesia, he may have some Muslim sympathies.

Trump has replied to the allegations stating, "Uuhhh...this is a waste of our time. Uuuhhh...Pure silliness in a world that requires seriousness at a time like this. We have Christian radicals, uuuhhh...that are uuuhhh spreading throughout the uuuhhh Middle-East, Asia, Europe, Africa and America and uuuhhh....they want to talk about this?" Trump said from behind the comfort of a teleprompter.

New York billionaire, Hillary Clinton, has demanded that Trump go public with his birth-certificate. She spoke with the press from her Harlem apartment for a brief moment on Friday;

"Where is the birth-certificate? I don't think it's wise to elect a man that hasn't been fully vetted as an American citizen. What do we really know about Donald Trump? It's like he came out of nowhere. Who is this man? Clinton said.

Questions regarding Trump's time at college are also coming to the surface. When asked if Trump would be willing to release his college transcripts, he adamantly denied the request and quickly diverted the media's attention to him dancing on the Ellen Degenerate show. 

Muslim Men Treated To Surprise Dominatrix Show

Two western culture females showed their gratitude for the presence of Islam in France by greeting a room full of Muslim men to a free BDSM show. The two saucy young tarts hopped onstage and immediately went into their impromptu traditional French expression of dominatrix entertainment.
The Middle-Eastern Muslim men seemed to be a bit confused by the dominatrix show at first.

We spoke to one of the men in the audience by the name of, Beesh Az Mooda Fooka, a native of Iran. Mr. Mooda Fooka took offense to the BDSM show stating that his Muslim sensibilities were offended.

"This is outlandish! Never in my beautiful country of Iran would women ever assume a dominant sexual role! Those roles are only to be taken by goats and 11 year-old boys! Let these evil French women find themselves in their error and turn to Allah or be executed! Inshallah! Lalalalalal!!!!!! Womma lomma ding-dong!!!!"

The Muslim men quickly got wise to what they were witnessing and quickly decided to get in on the show in a more interactive way. Dozens of men from the audience marched up to the stage and began to return the sadism by driving the women into the ground and stomping the living fuck out of them.

"I don't think they fully understand the role of the dominant feminist in western culture and how they're just supposed to give us their balls." Said Sally Dumcunt of Marseilles. "They weren't supposed to reverse it on us. I bet these provincial morons don't even like to be humiliated and emasculated by women." Dumcunt continued.

All in all, the BDSM show made for great theater and a lesson in cultural differences. The women who are a part of the BDSM Collective named, 'FEMEN', made clear that they look forward to more shows for Muslim men but also hope that they learn the ways of their western, male counterparts and just let them play like they're powerful once in a while.

Satan Considering New Ideology To Destroy Humanity

In response to the growing numbers of members of the LGBT community and liberals becoming aware of the intolerant and murderous political nature of Islam, Satan is now considering new political ideologies that will successfully complete his goals of human enslavement.

Illegal Satire sat down with Satan in his condo outside of Washington D.C. to hear more from the great deceiver himself. 

IS: So Satan, we hear that you've been thinking of a new way to enslave humanity. Please tell us more.

Satan: Well, you know, it's been a rough few thousand years for me. I've been trying to find different political ideologies that come off as being morally righteous in order to deceive all of humanity into total enslavement but God always seems to find a way to show my cards to the world. 

IS: Wow! Very interesting. It seems most people are unaware of your plight.

Satan: Yeah, they don't really know me. I've tried a lot of different things in the past that were promising to begin with but it just doesn't seem like I can get a break. I tried to stifle human advancement with communism but that damn America with its Christian foundation didn't let me do it on a global level. I still have a few countries that subscribe to that old goodie but the ideology itself doesn't seem to stick once people find out it leads to mass murder, industrial stagnation and poverty. 

IS: Yeah, communism was definitely a good attempt on your part. 

Satan: Oh, thank you! That means so much to me. Maybe they'll let me slip the tip in with socialism sometime soon. A guy can dream, right? 

IS: Ha! Right? So what's going on with Islam?

Satan: Well...it seems to be losing its ground. I had a lot of liberals on my side at first when I got them to equate Islam with race. You should see them in the streets decrying how racist every other religion in the world is because they don't want to be subjugated to Sharia law. It's hilarious! Oh Me, they're so fucking stupid! But I digress. Truth is, Islam isn't a religion at all. It's another one of my political ideologies disguised as a religion so that it may be protected under the guise of tolerance and salvation. 

IS: Damn...that's pretty crafty.

Satan: Ha! I know, God sent Jesus down here and he even told them that there would be other prophets to come after him claiming to be the Messiah and the original Muslims forgot and actually followed Muhammad into total enslavement. It was awesome! I'm very proud of myself for creating Islam.

IS: Hmm...so what's the end goal here?

Satan: You have to understand that I hate God's plan for humanity. He actually made these inferior beings more powerful than myself and my fellow angels. What nerve! He wants to see them become technologically advanced and transcend into other realms of consciousness. I think that's total bullshit! These plebs should be worshiping me! My end goal is to ultimately have humans serve me either by them serving themselves or worshiping the state as their savior. Either way, they're worshiping me and don't even know it. 

IS: What other political ideologies are you responsible for?

Satan: Pretty much every single one except for the one put forth by the founders of America. Those assholes made it so people had freedom to pursue individual endeavors and they've managed to get so far as peering into other galaxies with space probes, advancing medicine more than any other nation on Earth, they've propped up failing nations and liberated them from my grips, and they allow every religion to spread throughout their country because of their Christian based tolerance . That last part was the weak point I've been aiming for. They're so tolerant of religion that I've had to use Islam as a Trojan horse to destroy God's people. My next move is globalism. My liberal followers have swallowed the pill of globalism under the chant of, "No human is illegal!". It's great. It's starting to pick up speed in America. The liberals actually believe it's righteous to let people of other nations come into their country with absolutely no intentions of assimilating but to rather live off of legal citizen's tax dollars. Whatever I have to do to stop the people of America and Israel, I'll do it, bro. I've been trying to make strides by taking their free speech and guns, among other things. 

IS: Is this what you're doing in Europe, too?

Satan: Yup! Those people have been fighting back the encroachment of Islam for 1,400 years and it's finally starting to take hold because of globalism. Damn, I'm pretty good, right?

IS: Aren't you concerned about God's word that has stated that you will lose in the end?

Satan: Meh...that may be true but in the meantime I'll take as many souls as I can get.

Lone Gun Kills 50 In Nightclub Massacre

     50 people were brutally killed Saturday night when a lone gun walked itself into Pulse nightclub in Orlando Florida and proceeded to massacre innocent party-goers. Ultimately becoming bored with the fracas, the lone gun then decided to turn on itself and shoot itself in the barrel, thus ending the parade of violence. Survivors of the massacre stated that the gun was screaming, "Madafie Kabira!", which translates into, "Guns are great!" in Arabic. 

When conservative guest Morky Mork on 'The Joe Schmoe Show' on MSNBC speculated on whether or not this was an act of religious terrorism in the name of Gunslam (a religion of peace), the other guests immediately pointed out the blatant intolerance and ignorance in Morky Mork's comments and he was immediately blacklisted from any cool parties with Sean Penn and Cher. 

President Obama made a statement at a later press conference from his vacation home in Mecca stating, "Morky Mork's comments are not who we are as Americans! We stand for tolerance and we will not stand for any Gunslamophobia!"

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump made a statement of his own suggesting that all guns should be inspected before entering the United States to make sure that they have not been radicalized by Gunslam (a religion of peace). Trump's remarks created a wildfire of controversy among young liberals who have accused Trump of racism for his remarks. Trump fired back at the liberals on Twitter by tweeting, "Deez nuts, muthafuckazzz! Gonna make America great again! Come at me, bro!"

Radical, racist, redneck, republicans later chimed in on the conversation via various social media outlets suggesting that perhaps there was a human behind the attack. Their absurd claims were of course summarily deleted by Hillary Clinton and Mark Zuckerberg's crack team of deletion specialists and SWAT teams were dispatched to their homes where several family pets were killed. 

The story is still developing.

Thousands of Dead Voters Rise From The Grave On Voting Day!

In a unsurprising turn of events, thousands of deceased voters rose from the grave on Tuesday to go to the polls and show their support for Hillary Clinton.

When stopped and questioned by Illegal Satire's man in the streets, Jerry Boberry, zombie and Democrat voter, Ida Robinson, stated that she's been waiting for 4 years to be able to come out of her resting place for the chance to vote for Hillary Clinton.

"Oh lawd hammercy, child! We got a woman to vote for this time? Praise the lawd! Things they are a changing! Last two elections we got to vote for a nice mulatto gentleman and now a woman? I tells ya, the democrat party is surely the party of the people!"

Fellow zombie and former republican voter, Johnie Karls, was in disagreement with the Democrat party's choice of presidential nominee this time around.

"In my life I was always a republican but since I've been dead I've been a faithful and loyal democrat voter. This presidential election cycle has been a let down for me personally. I was hoping to vote for Donald Trump but as a zombie it's impossible. Being deceased and a registered voter has its perks but it also has it's downsides. We are forced to vote for democrats but at least we get to wake up every election season and cast our vote. Meh..."

When questioned about their right to vote and whether or not it's fair to include the votes of the deceased, the crowd of zombies immediately became enraged with our reporter, Jerry Boberry, and ate his face off while chanting "RACIST!!!"

Martian Congressman to Trump: "Take Your Space and Shove It Up Your Ass!"

In a surprising interview today with Martian Congressman, Filemone Velar X, the congressman went after Donald Trump stating that his plans to create more space between Mars and Earth is flat-out racist. The Martian politician is so incensed with the notion of more space between the planets that the vitriol got a bit edgy when Velar said, "Take your space and shove it up your ass!".

 Donald Trump's plan to create a larger buffer zone between Mars and Earth comes as response to the mass influx of Martians coming to Earth in search of cushy welfare freebies and a chance to vote for Democrats. Martians have been showing up to Trump rallies en masse to protest Trump. Things have gotten pretty heated in the streets as Earthlings battle it out with raving mad Martians hurling insults and charges of racism and xenophobia.

 "Donald Trump is a racist!" Illegal Martian, Zabadu Benano, stated when interviewed by Illegal Satire. When asked why he felt Donald Trump was a racist, Zabadu Benano replied, "Because...erm...Martians are Earthlings too! Plus Donald Trump is white, heterosexual, male and human. You just know how racist they are!"

 Trump has remained mostly silent on the topic and continues to lead in the polls. Trump has made a few tongue-in-cheek remarks concerning Martians. Recently, Trump made a controversial tweet showing himself enjoying a taco bowl along with the words, "I love Martians!".

'Gods of Egypt' Casting Creates Controversy!

The casting choices made by the producers of the upcoming film, 'Gods of Egypt' has created quite the controversy among the Desert Worm-American community.

Zorlok Jamal Johnson III, the main spokesman for the NAADW (National Association for the Advancement of Desert Worms) has been very vocal about the choice of casting, saying, "To have the ancient Desert Worms of Egypt represented by Sea Worms is not only historically inaccurate, it's a downright affront on Desert Worms with the obvious aim being to rob them of their true history and knowledge of self. The true ancient worms of Egypt were Desert Worms that looked like us! Everywhere you look, you can see the truth! The ancient art of Egypt depicts the original worms as Desert Worms and this cannot be denied! These Sea Worm supremacy conspiracies shall be brought to the light and we will not stand by peacefully waiting for justice!"

Clamato O'Connor, a Sea Worm that was cast for a part in the film, says he doesn't see the issue with the casting choices. "Look at the humans that they've cast in the film. They're of a significantly lighter hue than the original Egyptian humans and no one is making a stink about that! This is just a sci-fi, shlocky film. It's not meant to be historically accurate. Zorlok needs to relax his scales and be happy for a Worm brother. We're all the same species in the eyes of our creator, Just stop being petty."

Johnson responded to O'Connor's comments on the Alovious Sharpton Show, "You don't know a damn thing about the history of the true Egyptian Desert Worm's and it's not your place to tell me how to feel! We are not the same species! We were kings and you were our slaves and we will put you back in your lowly place among Worms!"

Peace activists have called for cooler head's to prevail stating that Zorlok is displaying reverse wormism unbecoming of a descendant of Egyptian Worm Kings.

The producer of 'Gods of Egypt' Hershelius Abraham, a Jewdishius Worm, denied our requests for any comment and is currently on location in Ireland filming his next film, 'True Mexicanos'.

Where Are They Now? The WWF's 'The Headshrinkers'

With their Samoan swagger and formidable athletic prowess, 'The Headshrinkers' took the World Wrestling Federation by storm in the late 80's and early 90's. We recently caught up with the legendary tag team duo for a brief interview to see what they've been up to for the past 20 something years.

IS: So what happened to you guys when you left the WWF?

TH: Oh, you know...we had a few ups and downs in our time after we left the WWF. Things were rough for a second but we both managed to get out of the slump we were in. After the fall of the WWF, we both had to get day jobs.

IS: That's interesting. It must have been tough coming out of a career in entertainment and have to go back to the real world.

TH: Well, it wasn't an immediate entry back into the workforce. There was a time where we were completely destitute and living on Venice Beach. We were living in our 1988 Lincoln Town Car limousine and doing street performances to get by.

IS: Street performances? Really? What kind of street performances were you doing?

TH: Mostly just fire walking, glass walking, and hanging weights from our dicks. We even started a YouTube "Pranks In The Hood" series but that didn't go anywhere. We kept getting our asses beat in Compton until enough was enough.

IS: So what happened after that?

TH: Once we both realized that our street performance careers weren't going anywhere, we both decided to enroll in nursing school.

IS: Nursing school? Wow! What a career change!

TH: Yeah, life is good now. We got our degrees, moved to Brazil and now we both work in hospitals all over the country in the hospital nurseries.

IS: In the nurseries? What's that like?

TH: Oh it's great! We get to be around all of the babies and massage their heads a lot...

Woman Types 'Amen' on Facebook and Immediately Receives $1 Billion Dollars!

Clarice Hampton was just casually scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed on Friday inside a bathroom stall at Applebee's on 14 Mile Rd in Madison Heights, Michigan when she saw that one of her friends had commented on a post. Upon further investigation of her friend's comment, she saw that her friend had typed the word 'Amen' on a post stating, "Type 'Amen' and Jesus will bless you with financial freedom."

Clarice thought what could be the harm in typing a simple word?

"There I was, just on the toilet pinching a loaf and scrolling through Facebook and I thought what the hell? Why not?" Clarice said.

As soon as Clarice typed the simple four-letter word, Jesus H. Christ magically appeared over the toilet partition and began to shower Clarice in $100 dollar bills.

"It was the best thing that ever happened to me! He came out of nowhere and made it rain on me then he told me to light a match and suddenly he was just gone!"

After counting the money, Clarice came to find that she was blessed in the amount of $1 billion dollars. Several Applebee's employees assisted her with collecting the money by providing her with doggy bags.

Clarice is now able to quit her job at K Mart and plans on starting a church.

"Christ has shown himself to me and given me everything I could ever want. I feel like I should start really believing in him now and helping to spread the word that Christ wants to bless other casual Facebookers and that it could happen to them, too. I'm naming my church, "The Church of Benjamin".

When asked why she would be naming the church, "The Church of Benjamin", Clarice simply stated, "Because it's obviously his favorite denomination. I'M RICH BITCH!!!"

FBI to Apple: "Open Your Backdoor!"

The FBI has found itself in possession of the iPhone owned by the San Bernardino terrorist shooter and now wants full access so they can play Candy Crush and Trivia Crack without exceeding their data usage for the month on their own phones. The FBI has gone as far as to take it to a federal judge that has in turn demanded that Apple unlock the shooter's phone. The FBI is currently unable to figure out the passcode on the iPhone and has been struggling with the four-digit code.

"We've tried everything! It's not 4911 like we suspected. We hereby demand that Tim Cook open his backdoor to us! Just let us put the tip in! We got these wack ass Obama phones, bruh! Let us use this dope ass iPhone, cuz!" a federal spokesperson stated in a press conference.

Tim Cook has released a public letter to everyone letting them know that they will not be cooperating with the FBI and that they will be keeping the four-digit code a secret.

"Apple believes this is an egregious abuse of federal power and we will not be spreading our backdoor wide open for the Feds. Fuck off!" Cook stated.

Janet Reno has come out of retirement and is currently in a standoff at Tim Cook's mansion with ATF agents equipped with guns and fire to flex their nuts on Mr. Cook. if he does not cooperate.

The story is still developing...

"If Donald Trump Becomes President, I'm Moving Back To Canada!" - Ted Cruz

Presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, has been pretty riled up lately. Donald Trump has been spanking him in every single state and Cruz has just not been able to catch up with the golden, feathery haired candidate.

Reporters with Illegal Satire caught up with Ted Cruz at a Tim Horton's in Detroit, just across from Windsor Ontario. When asked about Donald Trump's seemingly insurmountable lead in the polls. Ted Cruz simply said that, "If Donald Trump becomes president, I'm moving back to Canada. The American people are pretty stupid when it comes to picking leaders, eh? I'm not aboot to live in a nation that can't see who the real American is. I can see a conman politician coming from a kilometer away. I talked to my friends Alex Trebek and William Shatner and they agree with me. If Trump is chosen, we will all be moving to Montreal and joining the cast of 'Kids In The Hall' for side work."

After the interview, Cruz immediately left the Tim Horton's on his moose and continued on his campaign trail.

Black Lives Matter Founder Shaun King Changes Into Indian Man

Black Lives Matter movement founder and social justice warrior, Shaun King, has decided to abandon the movement in exchange for a new cause, the 'Punjab Lives Matter' movement. King has said that he sees more opportunity in fighting for the plight of the Indian people and foresees the Indian population in America growing to a point where it makes more sense for him to be an Indian man than a black man. 

"There's like billions of 'em, dude. This black struggle just ain't paying off no more and I think I can pass off as a Punjab man pretty well. I'm totally going for it, dude." Shaun said. 

In response to King's second change in race, black activists have started to boycott 7-11 stores in hoods nationwide. When told of the boycott, Shaun King responded by saying, "Haha! Jokes on them! As soon as I became an Indian dude, I got a free Dunkin' Donuts franchise! F*ck 7-11!"

Miami Police Union Vote Against Beyonce. Say Kelly is Hotter!

The Miami Police Union has unanimously voted to boycott Beyonce's upcoming tour in Florida stating that they are like really really mad at her for being a big racist poopy head at the Super Bowl.

The backlash came after Beyonce performed at the Super Bowl alongside a bunch of smoking hot black chicks dressed in leather dominatrix outfits that are the source of confusion of every curious white man that doesn't know how to feel about being attracted to black chicks and feels threatened by his unexpected boner.

A spokesman for the Police Union stated at a press conference, "Beyonce, girl...you ain't all that! Naw, Bey...you think you hot but you not! Kelly Rowland has always been the hot one. You just got yo daddy and mommy making you famous and your husband's lips look like some over baked croissants. You bitch you..."

Beyonce responded to the Police Union from her multi-million dollar California estate stating that, "You suckaz don't know what it's like being black and underprivileged! I am too the hot one! Shut up! I grew up in the tough streets of zero-percent crime rate suburban Houston where black people get the wrong Starbucks orders daily and have to deal with snarky white waitresses and butlers!"

The police union fired back saying, "Kelly is still hotter than you..."

Zuckerberg Ignores Kanye...Ray J Responds

Kanye West is going through financial problems and has gone to Mark Zuckerberg via Twitter in an attempt to receive $53 Million from the young billionaire. Zuckerberg has been mute and has not responded to Kanye's virtual panhandling.

In response to Kanye's request for money, Ray J has offered his career boosting services to Kanye stating that he would be willing to lend his star making penis to Kanye.

Kanye's wife Kim Kardashian was made famous by Ray J's penis in their sextape that launched her career, as well as her entire family's career and Ray J thinks a little rumpus in the bedroom with Kanye may be what he needs to spur his dwindling fame.

Kanye responded on Twitter telling Ray J that, "Ha! You ain't got the answers Ray J! Ha!"

Ray J's penis chimed in and responded to Kanye's tweet by saying, "Actually, we do have the answers..."

Pope Francis Calls Out Pink Floyd For Making 'The Wall'. Says They Aren't Christians!

Pope Francis recently made comments about Donald Trump wanting to build a massive wall between the United States and Mexico. The Pope went on to say that anyone that builds a wall and not a bridge is "Not Christian". The Pope's comments were ironically made from behind the Vatican's 40 foot-tall wall in Rome while surrounded by Swiss Guards in stylish pantaloons of wildly assorted colors. 

After the Pope's hypocrisy was called out by many entertainers, the Pope went on the defensive and continued his anti wall rant by going after the legendary British rock group, Pink Floyd, for making the classic album, 'The Wall'. The Pope called the album the worst rock album of all time and said that Judas Priest would kick their asses in a guitar solo and that Pink Floyd weren't real Christians. 

Pink Floyd responded on twitter by simply telling the Pope to, "Hey Franky...leave those kids alone."  

The Pope could not be reached for further comment. 

Manny Pacquiao Apologizes To Gay Community and Starts a New Gay Pride Parade

Manny Pacquiao recently came under fire by the LGBT community from his recent remarks about gays being, "Worse than animals". As a result of Manny's comments, he immediately lost his endorsement deal with Nike. Manny's PR manager was quick to make a public statement to clarify that Manny's anti-gay comments were misconstrued by the media.

"Manny is in fact very pro-gay and when he said that gays were "worse than animals", he was speaking in terms of them pleasuring his peanut butter laden nutsack. The quote was taken out of context and Manny simply prefers German Shepards pleasuring him." Manny's PR manager stated.

As a show of apology, Manny has gone on to create a gay pride parade that will take place annually in Manila. The parade has been titled "The Fudge Pacquiao Pride Parade" and all walks of life are welcome to attend...including dogs. 

Baby Dolphin Dies At Bernie Sander's Rally After People Take Selfies With It

Droves of raving mad Bernie Sander's supporters were completely absent minded recently when they managed to kill a baby dolphin at a BS rally in Illinois when selfishly taking selfies with it. The baby dolphin swam ashore on the Interstate 80 and accidentally found itself among the dumbest people on planet Earth. Sadly, the dolphin could not be resuscitated and was later found in a heap of garbage at the Illinois Convention Center. Luckily, the dolphin was a registered communist with the Democrat party and the loss is not that great.